if time is my vessel, then learning to love might be my way back to sea.

[intertribal]

Wreckage of the 1977 crash between the KLM Rijn (Rhine River) and the Pan-Am Clipper Victor at Los Rodeos airport on Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands.  Essentially, a colonial backwater, administered by the Spanish military, a touch-off point for cruises, for first and second honeymoons.  I never knew about this crash, the worst in aviation history, until watching "Crash of the Century" this past weekend.  Both planes were Boeing 747s, and 583 people died.  I will be going on a Boeing 747 on Saturday.  But at least it won't involve the Atlantic Ocean. 

I'm oh so nervous, oh so antsy.  I hate late nights like this.  During the day you can walk it off.  It's hot and humid and I'll be arriving home in a winter between twenty and forty degrees, according to my mother, who is stressed with work and has to prepare various Thanksgiving dishes before I get home.  On Thursday it'll be my third Thanksgiving away from home and my second away from my mother, but I won't be alone this year, eating Chinese take-out and watching Friday the 13th in my suitemate's room.  This year I'll be packing, watching Law & Order.  Thank God it doesn't mean as much to me as Christmas.  I listened for the first time to the lyrics of "Winter" by Tori Amos: "I put my hand in my father's glove... I know dad the ice is getting thin".  It's her father telling her, "when you gonna make up your mind, when you gonna love you as much as I do... 'cause things are gonna change so fast".  But this line, it's ambiguous: "You say I wanted you to be proud of me" - is it "You say, 'I wanted you to be proud of me'" or is it "You say I wanted you to be proud of me"?  I think it runs both ways.  In four months I'll have spent more time without my father than with him.  He liked swimming at beaches at sunset, when I stayed on shore with my mother, so he didn't have to watch me and protect me from riptides or big waves.  I keep a picture of him when I cross international waters, next to my passport.  "I tell you that I'll always want you near, you say that things change, my dear."

The Partners of Veterans Association of Australia was briefly featured on tonight's Crime Investigation: Australia ("Who Killed Harold Holt?").  Harold Holt was a prime minister of the '60s who signed Australia's soul over to America and went "all the way with LBJ".  The PVA was only established last year, but I think it's astounding that it was established at all.  What it alleges is stuff we all know but don't want to admit - as one of their members said, "war damages men".  Suicide was mentioned; children with disabilities.  My impression from the program was that they want the government to acknowledge what it did to their husbands by sending them to Vietnam.  I think that once I'm old and established, I'm going to write a book - non-fiction - on men and war, because it's had such an effect on my psyche.  It will open with the lines from Nirvana's "In Bloom": "he's the one who likes all our pretty songs, and he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun, but he don't know what it means, don't know what it means".  Harold Holt, incidentally, disappeared in the middle of his term while swimming at Cheviot Beach, near Melbourne.  Considering the amount of people that have gone missing there and never been recovered - including 35 victims of an 1897 shipwreck of the SS Cheviot - it's not surprising his body was never found, but apparently some people think he might have been picked up by a Chinese submarine or committed suicide.  It seems much more likely that he got tied up in kelp gardens and eaten by sharks.  He is commemorated in the rich Melbourne suburb of Malvern by a swimming pool. 

There was a plane crash over the weekend near Wilsons Promontory, the southern tip of Australia.  Four millionaires in a private plane - the middle of the ocean.  A wheel washed up on the beach today.  One body is still missing.  I remember hearing the family friend a couple days ago telling the media, "our hope now is that they're sitting out there somewhere, waiting for help".  A lot of people have gone missing in this country.  At the Great Barrier Reef, from an Adelaide beach. 

sources:  Tenerife disaster, Harold Holt, List of people who have disappeared, Four lost in plane crash near Wilsons Promontory, Michelle Kwan - "Winter" by Tori Amos

Comments

[beautyofbeing.livejournal.com]

I always heard it as You say 'I wanted you to be proud of me' but after five years of listening to Tori, I never ever thought of it as You say I wanted you to be proud of me, but now I think it could be either way. That's a song very dear to my heart - its very odd you mention it in an entry today - it reminds me of my father who would have been 57 today if he were still alive (I guess it's the 21st over there right now, it's still the 20th here)

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

It must be something in the global currents. I'm actually only a recent Tori fan, and Winter is a recent acquisition. I thought it was beautiful from the first time I heard it, I just happened to really listen to the words yesterday - I think it's the only father-daughter song I own, sadly, which of course makes it mean that much more.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

i can't think, but i read, feel, just so you know...later, always later

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

that's cool, but, are you ok?

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

i'm working on it...getting better. music will save my soul. i seem to be in a class politics sort of mood. i need pride, not shame...

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

what happened?

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

It's difficult to explain. I guess I don't have the same sort of drive you do, I fall too easily into thinking that I'm not capable of doing academic work, that my professors hate me, that no one cares, that everything that goes wrong is because I'm not good enough...

Or I could describe how it feels, which is that my body has no energy and can't move, my mind isn't connected with my senses anymore, it's difficult to write in a way that people can interpret or hold a train of thought that is translatable to writing in the first place, I can't look anyone in the eye or speak above a mumble without bursting into tears, everything accumulates around me physically, mentally, I avoid talking to the people I care about because I'm sure I'm just a burden/annoyance/whatever, I can't decide on any course of action because they all end in failure, all sacrifice a number of other things in favor of something else, and I can't give proper weight to any of them (prioritize), I am cold, hungry, and my head hurts, and I avoid drawing attention to myself in any way possible, but when people are gone I lock myself in a room and collapse...on a bed and sleep, on the floor and cry, whatever.

I managed to get get myself to school this morning by imagining that the other me came to visit me and told me what to do and gave me a hug and sent me on my way. She told me, "You can't give up." It was a bit weird, seeing as she was me too. But I was still doing badly tonight--took a nap, woke up with a headache, you know how it goes.

I know this probably all makes me a coward, but that's hardly new, so...yeah. I don't really have much drive to do things for myself most of the time. Like I could make an effort to be present and happy and kind and giving for Tara's birthday, or in general, I can deal with doing things for people better, but advancing myself is really difficult, because to a large extent, even though this is what I want to do and I would die doing anything else, I don't quite care what I want to do, because I'm not important, and yet I want to be loved, which means I have to try...now I'm just rambling, I don't know what I'm saying. It would be much easier, I think, for me to try to be a housewife, but I wouldn't be happy.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I'm worried about you. I wish I could give you advice but I think you're depressed. You know I'm a believer in both therapy and medication, but I know that you're not...

I know that change has to come from within but sometimes if you're in something so deep, like you say you forget history, you can't get yourself out of it without help. I feel like based on reading your entries this year that you've really been trying, both internally and externally, and you have made progress. That doesn't mean you're doomed because you're in a hole right now, and it doesn't mean you can't get outside help.

I don't think you're a coward. You are just as important as anyone else. Anyone.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

hmm, i certainly match a lot of symptoms, but then, I've always been somewhat like this, and also, this year it is much, much more up-and-down whereas last year I was suck in it almost all the time. also, i sleep more (thank god), but not as much a freshman year (also a good thing). it's weird to think about yourself as being depressed when it's like the only existence you've known, though? I mean, I am only like this in the presence of a lot of schoolwork and/or emotional/romantic/sexuality-defining stresses. or maybe not...no, you're right, it is different. maybe. 'cause i got like this in terms of procrastination and stress still in high school, but I don't think i felt the same way about the stress...well, yeah, that makes sense. I wasn't a 'failure' then. i was going to go to college! and now i'm here, and i don't fit in, don't succeed...the bottom is so much closer (dropping out), I'm following my own path and not my parents' anymore. i don't know.

it's not that i don't believe in therapy, but unfortunately the free therapy here sucks beyond belief. Most of them are interns, and "In short: they don't ask the right questions, they don't offer analysis or helpful suggestions, they don't act like they care, and interaction is generally impersonal and shallow."

(steve: Yeah, a lot of people have complaints, and, from what I've heard, they seem pretty well-founded. I'm sorry about that. I wish I could have some influence, but (esp. because of my status as a Visitor), I really can't. Ugh,)

Medication is more of an issue for me. I'm not 100% in-all-situations opposed to it, but I have a few hang-ups because I don't like to be dependent on things (esp. drugs, even caffeine, which I currently am...), plus some of them are rather ill-prescribed or have undesirable side effects and etc. Basically, I don't trust them very much. I would probably have to be rather desperate before i'd consider it...

Thank you so much for the rest of what you said, though. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would say that...

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

You sound worse than you were in high school, and even if you were "always like this", that doesn't mean you don't have depression. It may be recurring, you may not have perspective. (also if you're depressed you tend to not be able to imagine a different, non-depressed state of life)

Well, I wouldn't advise medication that's very strong. When I went on medication it was a child's dosage, for six months, and it really shouldn't have been enough to affect me - however, I coaxed myself to believe in its power, and I saw two really good therapists while I was on it (one paid for, only two sessions - she was magic, and she was in Lincoln. my doctor, whom I trust with my life, referred her. the other therapist was the free school therapist, was an intern, and was really good. when I saw her I was already on my way up and I told her the kind of therapy that i need to improve, and that's what she did, so she solidified the climb). Of course, we are different people with different situations. I just feel the need to inform you it can work. Do you have a good doctor in Lincoln?

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's something that I "have" though. It's something that's caused by how I react to certain circumstances...and like I was saying, college is a different thing in my mind than high school was. Not only is there more work such that I get bogged down by procrastination much more easily, but before, I had no conception of failing. I was always an A student. I was always in my parents' house. I could relate to the people I was around. Reed, by contrast, is a profoundly isolating experience, at least for me. I don't know why, but lately I've begun to suspect it's a class-cultural thing rather than a geographical thing that's separating me from so many people here, not to mention the intimidation of the prestige of the place itself, of the notion of professors...I am much more frightened by everything around me than I was in high school. And then, no grade inflation. And then, living away from home. And then, realizing that if I don't succeed here I can't do the only things I might ever want to do. And then, getting through my emotional shit of last year and growing as a person (which I think I'm mostly through with...though Santiago emailed me today, ha ha). And then, not having any expectation or idea of what lies ahead, realizing that my parents' knowledge of how this whole thing works stopped at getting accepted to colleges, and until now, school was just what I did, what I was good at doing, but now that's been taken away from me and so I have to come to terms with really trying, getting through all the things I'm most afraid of in order to make it here. Honestly, I don't even know what will happen if/when I graduate, I really don't. I have a better idea of what would happen if I dropped out than I do of that. Point is, there is a reason (or rather, reasons) me acting like this coincides with my time at Reed, I think.

I'm not going to take medication. That's all the counselor ever told me..."learn how to breathe," "take these pills," "think happy thoughts." God, I hate her. Well, it would probably work better if I believed in it, I'm sure. I'm sure it can work, I'm just...not good at therapy. Because it in and of itself is the sort of situation I'm afraid of, it causes me to react in much the same way as I do to dealing with schoolwork. If I have problems, everyone hates me. That's what my mother believes about herself and everyone else, and I've inherited that belief, but it's by no means that simple. Anyway. No, I have a pediatrician and a gynecologist, and doctors make me cry because I get embarrassed.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Reed and college have a lot to do with it... if anything, as triggers. But part of therapy (hell, part of life) is teaching yourself new and effective coping techniques for dealing with those things that cause you stress, fear, problems. I understand not wanting to go on medication, but please consider therapy outside Reed. Also, everyone has problems. I think it's better that we deal with them now rather than when we've pushed them down in denial and they only come out in bursts in our 40s, which is what a lot of people do.

It's really the only advice I can give you besides my personal encouragement. I really do think you're a brilliant person and you are way too hard on yourself considering how talented and intelligent you are. Please don't drop out of college, it would be such a waste.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I do try to be honest with myself about and deal with my problems, rather than continually recreating them...I know sometimes I don't do that, and maybe it would be a faster (or easier?) process with a good therapist (or maybe not), but I'm still a bit hesitant about seeking therapy, to say the least. Mostly because of what my parents would think and whether they'd pay for it but also partly because I don't like a lot of people, and some of those people are therapists...and therapy is scary, but then life is scary, so what's new.

Thank you so much for saying that. I hear that sort of thing just about never, and it always amazes me when anyone thinks so, and it means even more coming from you. I have a lot of respect for you, how you live, your intelligence...so, thank you.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I know you do (try to be honest with yourself, etc.). Really. Hopefully a good therapist would guide you toward doing things that would help that process, make the falls less deep and painful (because there are always falls). Yeah, I hear that a lot (the parents thing)... and I know your parents are extra scary (at least to me) so I understand that as a barrier, but... considering your father's in therapy, I'd hope they'd understand. You don't like a lot of people? Really? Good to know...

When I was telling my mom about how we've stayed close for years and all that (as opposed to some of my other friends from high school) she suggested it's because we're intellectually compatible, so, you know, have a lot of respect for yourself too. You know I have been in pretty shit places in my life and quite frankly I know I'd be a lot worse off if it weren't for therapy in middle school and college.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, I never responded to this?

Yeah, there are always falls. My father was only in marriage counseling because my mother had been going by herself and finally managed to force him to go with her (the prospect of getting divorced again, I think, compelled him). My mom might understand, I don't know, but I have this aversion to therapy because it's like an insult to me. It says, "You're not good enough to solve your own problems. You need someone to do it for you. You're pathetic." Plus the fact that having any sort of problem in the first place makes me feel worthless, because good people don't have problems, ha ha (my mother's deep-set belief).

I don't think that of other people, just myself...that's what I meant, though, about therapy itself being the same sort of situation as what I have with schoolwork. And so I respond the same way to therapists, try to hide my problems from them so they won't "hate" me. I mean, last year just going to ask anyone for help made me cry. I have to be really desperate, have to have given up on myself entirely, before I even get to the point of asking someone else for help. They thought I was like 100 times more crazy simply because I looked like a wreck just trying to make an appointment, it stressed me out so much. I'd get migraines whenever I had an appointment, too, couldn't get any work done those days, broke down crying more often.

I'd probably be a little better about it this year, but the prospect just fills me with dread, like a cat going to the veterinarian (like Tess, who used to wedge herself in the cat carrier such that you couldn't get her out even if you turn it with the door facing straight down).

I mean, I don't hate a lot of people either, but yeah, I'd rather not interact with the vast majority of people.

I think that's true--you are more intellectually compatible with me than most, if not all, the friends I've had.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Also, it's a two-part problem. There's the schoolwork, and there is my mood. Where I like to say they correlate, they don't always. Right now, I'm in a fine mood (which is why I can write at all...). And yet, 8 or so hours ago, I was not. Freshman year, I think I was depressed...I wanted nothing more than to sleep, I cried so much, had no real drive, etc. And last year I was paranoid. I never slept. And then I had breakdowns. This year, it's slightly different...I do okay for awhile, and then I freak out again, and then I talk myself out of it again...it's getting, I don't know, faster or something. Also, crying only happened yesterday morning. I actually haven't done that for awhile. Midterms, maybe? I don't remember crying then. Well, when I get stressed about presenting or speaking in Chinese, sometimes I get near crying, but that's different. No tears about problem sets like last year...

And yet, in terms of how well I'm doing in school, it's better than last year, but not by much. Part of it really is just how I see things and not how well, objectively, I'm doing. But they're both problems.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

or maybe you mean...I didn't finish my problem set, I didn't prepare my presentation, I didn't catch up on my homework, I didn't find a review article...but it's unclear how much that is the cause and how much it's the effect. It's a cycle. It starts with fear and immobility, and the more i can't do while i'm like that, the worse it gets...none of this is new, sorry. also, i do not do well with winter.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

and i forget history. if orget I've gotten out before, i can get out again. blaaah

i'm surrounded by the haves
they say i can have some too
just because of what i do
do they think a lot
about those who have not
or is it just distracting
from what they do
most of us have grey
except for those who can pay
for green
i'm torn
i'm torn
rejecting outfits offered me
regretting things i've worn
when i was still playing roles
in order to fill holes
in my conception of who i am
you know, now i understand
it's not important to be defined
it's only important to use your time well
well time is something nobody can buy
and nobody can sell you
so don't let anybody tell you
they have the advantage

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I'm having Thanksgiving with Steve...he has thanksgiving for everyone he knows/likes here who doesn't have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving...there'll be more people this year, the ling majors are multiplying.

i like "in bloom." i lost most of my nirvana...i'll get it when i come back for xmas.

what would make my father proud is if I become the final step in his dream of financial independence by becoming myself a different class, I guess, part of the intellectual elite...and hopefully not an ineffectual one. i used to want to make him proud, or, I wanted him to be happy with me...but now I see it's primarily pride based in my relation to him. I think most pride is when it reflects some way on you...maybe you empathize, maybe you feel you helped the person reach where they are now, maybe you think they show how cool you are 'cause they're super cool, or maybe they fit into the traditional patriarchal model whereby the wife and kids reflect on the father's abilities...whereby it's not reciprocal, I could never be proud of him because he has all the power, just like i can't be proud of my boss or my professor (unless maybe it's steve, but he's more equal). but that's just a thought. he tells me he's proud of me now, since i'm still going to school and he's been through counseling, but it doesn't mean anything now.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I'm a naive little rabbit in that sense. You're right about pride, although you're sounding a bit like Tara... cynical and angry. And of course you have a right to be considering your relationship with your parents.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

i don't think pride is necessarily bad or...i guess i feel like it's necessarily self-centered but not necessarily selfish, thought those aren't quite the right words, but it's why, like...I can be proud of someone if I feel they are so close to me that i am happy when they're happy (at their accomplishments), proud when they are proud, which is what I meant by empathy and almost not pride but i think it can be...or i can be proud of manako when she says something right in class but not when tara does because i helped teach manako, so her doing well is a reflection on me, which works almost as if i'm proud because i said something right in class, or I can be proud of my friend because they're really successful or talented or something (so, proud of my relationship to them), which isn't necessarily bad, but if I don't have any closer relationship to them, it's kind of meaningless

but i am pretty cynical a lot of the time, though not so angry...

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I think you are right that it's a reflection on the self. That's why I'm proud of my parents, because obviously it reflects on me, both in DNA and how I was raised/am being raised.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you can be proud of your parents

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

but still, I also think there's a difference with my being proud of a friend simply because they could (theoretically) be proud of me too. there isn't the "head of the household" thing that goes on in my family, where my mom might make him proud for reasons unrelated to her own happiness, like being young and pretty...and then there's a corresponding feeling of shame, and usually when I feel ashamed of anyone, i think it's fundamentally because I don't respect them, even if I love them or need them...intelligence is a big thing there (so of course, i've thought a lot about this with regard to people i've dated and when/why i feel ashamed of them. i don't think it's as simple as "caring too much what other people think," because I only care when their judgment is something i, perhaps subconsciously, agree with). but then it starts getting confusing...

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

sorry, that's all i can really say because I can't related to "winter" very well, or veterans, don't know anything about australia

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

ah, most of the reason I do these random posts is to spread information that I find interesting.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

yes, and i find them interesting too

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

*relate

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

also, what's your title? (quote or your own?) i like it, i think

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

it's from "Public Pervert" by Interpol.