It's difficult to explain. I guess I don't have the same sort of drive you do, I fall too easily into thinking that I'm not capable of doing academic work, that my professors hate me, that no one cares, that everything that goes wrong is because I'm not good enough...
Or I could describe how it feels, which is that my body has no energy and can't move, my mind isn't connected with my senses anymore, it's difficult to write in a way that people can interpret or hold a train of thought that is translatable to writing in the first place, I can't look anyone in the eye or speak above a mumble without bursting into tears, everything accumulates around me physically, mentally, I avoid talking to the people I care about because I'm sure I'm just a burden/annoyance/whatever, I can't decide on any course of action because they all end in failure, all sacrifice a number of other things in favor of something else, and I can't give proper weight to any of them (prioritize), I am cold, hungry, and my head hurts, and I avoid drawing attention to myself in any way possible, but when people are gone I lock myself in a room and collapse...on a bed and sleep, on the floor and cry, whatever.
I managed to get get myself to school this morning by imagining that the other me came to visit me and told me what to do and gave me a hug and sent me on my way. She told me, "You can't give up." It was a bit weird, seeing as she was me too. But I was still doing badly tonight--took a nap, woke up with a headache, you know how it goes.
I know this probably all makes me a coward, but that's hardly new, so...yeah. I don't really have much drive to do things for myself most of the time. Like I could make an effort to be present and happy and kind and giving for Tara's birthday, or in general, I can deal with doing things for people better, but advancing myself is really difficult, because to a large extent, even though this is what I want to do and I would die doing anything else, I don't quite care what I want to do, because I'm not important, and yet I want to be loved, which means I have to try...now I'm just rambling, I don't know what I'm saying. It would be much easier, I think, for me to try to be a housewife, but I wouldn't be happy.
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Date: 2007-11-21 10:05 am (UTC)Or I could describe how it feels, which is that my body has no energy and can't move, my mind isn't connected with my senses anymore, it's difficult to write in a way that people can interpret or hold a train of thought that is translatable to writing in the first place, I can't look anyone in the eye or speak above a mumble without bursting into tears, everything accumulates around me physically, mentally, I avoid talking to the people I care about because I'm sure I'm just a burden/annoyance/whatever, I can't decide on any course of action because they all end in failure, all sacrifice a number of other things in favor of something else, and I can't give proper weight to any of them (prioritize), I am cold, hungry, and my head hurts, and I avoid drawing attention to myself in any way possible, but when people are gone I lock myself in a room and collapse...on a bed and sleep, on the floor and cry, whatever.
I managed to get get myself to school this morning by imagining that the other me came to visit me and told me what to do and gave me a hug and sent me on my way. She told me, "You can't give up." It was a bit weird, seeing as she was me too. But I was still doing badly tonight--took a nap, woke up with a headache, you know how it goes.
I know this probably all makes me a coward, but that's hardly new, so...yeah. I don't really have much drive to do things for myself most of the time. Like I could make an effort to be present and happy and kind and giving for Tara's birthday, or in general, I can deal with doing things for people better, but advancing myself is really difficult, because to a large extent, even though this is what I want to do and I would die doing anything else, I don't quite care what I want to do, because I'm not important, and yet I want to be loved, which means I have to try...now I'm just rambling, I don't know what I'm saying. It would be much easier, I think, for me to try to be a housewife, but I wouldn't be happy.