a sense of joy and then a panic

I can't get over how different the Lord of the Rings books are from the Lord of the Rings movies, and how much I - in general - prefer the movies.  I'm pretty sure this makes me a bad person (writer? fantasy fan?) in some way.  Mostly I am just so tired of Gandalf and all the non-entities that surround him.  I know, I know.  But The Return of the King really should be called The Return of the Gandalf, because he's all Ra-Ra-Rasputin right now.  Uh oh, Boney M segue!


Wow, re-imagining that song with LOTR just made my morning substantially better.  Must resist temptation to revise entire lyrics to fit LOTR.

I also can't get over how my mother refuses to accept that Lord of the Rings was written in the 1940s and not the 1600s.  I keep telling her, and she keeps going, "really??!"

ETA: Crap, I'm becoming convinced that I need to totally re-structure the current short story WIP from the perspective of a new protagonist.  FUCKING HELL AFTER ALL THIS WORK

I watched the extended edition of LOTR: Return of the King via Netflix yesterday.  It was unreal.  As in, I felt like I was watching fanfiction, because I've seen the theatrical cut so many times.  A couple scenes, like Eowyn's dream and the drinking contest, easily streamlined with the rest of the movie.  A couple scenes were actually helpful - an explanation of why Denethor went so psycho on Faramir, scenes of Eowyn and Merry fighting in Pelennor Fields so they weren't swinging their swords for the first time at the fell beast and the Witch King, respectively.  But a lot of dialogue - especially the Frodo/Sam/Gollum stuff - was totally unnecessary.  And the AMV-like Faramir and Eowyn scenes were like Final Fantasy cutscenes.  Bad ones. 

I did get a kick out of Peter Jackon's gratuitous comical gore, though.  He's truly ridiculous.  1, there's Saruman's death scene.  Holy crap, what.  And 2, when they're going down the Paths of the Dead and talking to all the dead dudes (one of my favorite scenes, originally!), they get molested by spirit-hands, and then they step on a bunch of skulls, and then they are in an avalanche of literally millions of skulls.  Like, it's raining skulls, hallelujah, that's how many skulls there were.  I could not stop laughing.  I'm so glad they cut this, because it's fucking ridiculous.  Okay, no, you know what?  I have to post this.  Go see the skulls.


I should note that I did like the end of this scene, when Aragorn thinks he's failed to summon the dead.  I think the extended edition gave Aragorn a lot more depth (and we all know I am an Aragorn fan) - and I mean, geez, it's Viggo Mortensen, he can handle it.  I am also partial to the scene where he challenges Sauron through the Palantir and Sauron is like "bwahaha, Arwen is dead!", although the transition from his despair at the end of that scene to him marching off to the Black Gate was a pitiful case of chop-editing that hopefully embarrassed Jackson.  So, um, with the exception of the few scenes, I'll have to stick to the theatrical cut.

Anyway, I filled out a music meme.  This is one of those memes that I could give totally different results for on two different days.  But this mix is called "She Said Destroy," in honor of Evil!Galadriel.   

One of the earliest songs you remember listening to: "Bizarre Love Triangle" - Frente (I used to hear this in the Wendy's at the mall in Indonesia - took me ages to find out what it was)
Song that you currently can't get out of your head: "Plague Burial" - Teargas & Plateglass (if you're at all into sort of gothic electronica... you need Teargas & Plateglass - "One Day Across the Valley" will give you nightmares)
Song by someone who is dead: "Faster Kill Pussycat" - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy (RIP)
Song you discovered from a film: "Courage" - Sarah Polley (a cover of The Tragically Hip from The Sweet Hereafter, a criminally underseen movie - if nothing else, you need this song)
Song you love to sing along to: "Helter Skelter" - Dana Fuchs Band (off Across the Universe, so a Beatles cover)
Song you totally misunderstood the first time you heard it: "God Loves America" - Swans (I don't think I listened to the lyrics the first time - hell of a sad song)
Song that makes you nostalgic: "Little Black Backpack" - Stroke 9 (I still don't know what the hell this song is about, but I was fucking in love with it in middle school)
Love song: "Lucky" - Bif Naked (bit of an odd choice, but probably the first love song I recognized as such)
Song that makes you cry: "Before Departure" - PJ Harvey (can't go wrong with this one - I can barely listen to it, actually)
Song that makes you laugh: "Alcoholic" - Cash Crop (this is the ultimate Go Drinking On O Street song)
Song that makes you want to dance: "Absurd" - Fluke (Jessica Alba's strip-dance song in Sin City, FYI)
Song with food in the title: "Candy Shop" - 50 Cent (I don't know what happened to this part of the playlist)
Song that creeps you out: "Polly" - Nirvana (I thought it was creepy from the first time I heard it - then I read this)
Really good cover song: "Stan" - Eminem (um, it's a "cover" of "Thank You" by Dido?  and is infinitely better?  also, this is apparently the violence against women part of the playlist)
Song about waking up or dreaming: "Friday Night Saturday Morning" - Nouvelle Vague (this song is so wicked dreamy, and reminds me of Barnard/college/New York sooooo much)
Song you only like because of the title: "Yes! I Am a Long Way from Home" - Mogwai (reminds me of this Roberto Bolano short story, actually)
Song you like from an artist that you otherwise don't like: "Horses" - Broken Social Scene (just never got into Broken Social Scene, but I love this song - it was used in a movie trailer)
Song you hate: "Police Me" - Tori Amos (I love her early albums, but wtf happened to her, I do not know)
Wildcard: "She Said Destroy" - Death in June (I'm pretty sure Death in June is best classified as "Wildcard")

The first big serious book that I ever read was The Hobbit in third grade.  Oh, how I loved The Hobbit.  Especially the part with the spiders.  That book taught me the phrase "Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire."  So somebody, somewhere down the line, got me Lord of the Rings.  I tried reading it sometime in middle school.  I remember writing sort of diary reports on it.  I sped through books at that age and I was trying to speed through LOTR.  I remember reading up to the part where they're on the horrible snow-mountain in Fellowship and writing in my diary, "Up next: The Two Towers!"  That's how fast I thought I was going to go.  Turns out I put it down and never picked it up again. 

Years later, the movies came out.  I knew nothing - NOTHING - about the plot.  I was just like, oh, that's that famous fantasy book.  Let's see the movie.  And I was totally, like, gobsmacked by these movies.  I wonder sometimes if Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings (and especially Viggo Mortensen, oh my GOD) did not single-handedly bring me back into the fold of fantasy.  So yes, I admit it - I'm one of those psychos who can quote from Lord of the Rings.  But gods, why?  Why do I like Lord of the Rings so much?  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't, especially because I criticize Narnia for being heavy-handed, and Harry Potter for being absolutist.  Especially because I watched that Legend of the Seeker miniseries and thought it was the lamest piece of lame I'd ever seen.  

So I figured, well, let's try reading that book again and see what my reaction to that is - see if I just have some kind of Tolkien blindspot.  So far, I've finished Book I (as in, the first part of The Fellowship of the Ring) - there's VI books total.  And these are my observations.  

- Too Many Damn Poems, Songs, Chants, Whatever.  At first I read them.  Now I'm just like, oh, italics and centralized text.  Skip! 
- Tolkien is good at making things scary.  I am way more scared of book-Ringwraiths than movie-Ringwraiths.  Book-Ringwraiths crawl.  I am no good with evil things that crawl (this is why I can't watch J-Horror).  And what the hell were those Barrow-wights and the sitting stones that appeared out of nowhere?  That's not pleasant.
- Sorry, but Tom Bombadil's a pretty bad character.  I've had purist friends complain vehemently that he wasn't in the movie version.  I say: Good.  It's possible Tolkien just used him poorly (he saves the hobbits twice, ten pages apart), but ughghghgh. 
- On the other hand, I really love the bickering, clannish hobbit families, and the people who live in Bree.  Bree people are so totally like Lincolnites. 
- Yeah, Tolkien could have used an editor.  Sometimes he just goes on and on describing furniture and slippers.  I get that there will soon be neither furniture nor slippers, but dude, it kind of distracts from the tone of stress and danger when you talk about how cozy and feasty The Prancing Pony is.
- But, he's very good at setting up his world.  It's like he has an answer for every "but why is it like that?" question.  Totally imaginable.  Totally believable.  
- Except for Weathertop.  If I had not seen Weathertop in the movie, no way I would have been able to imagine it by its description.  I don't know, Tolkien just dropped the ball on describing this one. 
- There's definitely a lot of race undertones here.  I can't say that I think they're disturbing, yet, because they just indicate mild xenophobia right now - except the whole Super Duper Numenoreans thing is probably going to start bothering me at some point.  Probably when the purity of somebody's blood gets mentioned.  Why must awesomeness always be attributed to genetics?  Lame.
- As far as character development goes, Frodo feels a bit like a non-entity.  Everybody else is decent.  I do wish dialogue was more engaging and characters were more bizarre (honestly, they strike me as less black and white and more as just the same shade of chalk), but I feel a little weird expecting dirty realism from Middle Earth.
- A sidenote: I have been having, and more importantly remembering, some really horrific dreams since I started reading LOTR.  Not sure what that implies.

Up next, Book II!  Ha ha ha.

Although I (theoretically) could have, I did not write this.

"House, we've got a serious problem," Bra said, bursting into his office, where he was playing MarioKart on his GameBoy Advance SP.

"What is it now?" House asked, "A psychological problem?"

"How did you know?" Bra asked.

"I didn't, I guessed."

"Damn good guess, then. Listen, my father just woke up five minutes ago. He doesn't recognize me, my brother, or my mother," Bra replied, "This is getting more serious than I care to think about, but I can't quit now."

"Memory loss...hmmm..." House said, "Well, it's not the most serious of symptoms, but--"

"What do you mean, not the most serious of symptoms?! He doesn't recognize his own family! You call that not serious?!"

"Bra, sit down and shut up," House snapped at her, shutting off his Gameboy.

But wait.  There's more.  From the same author:

“I’ll explain that, but first…” Vegeta said, “I have to start this off by asking, are you aware of elves? Do you know they exist?”

“Vegeta, if this is a joke, I swear—“ Bulma began, but she was cut off.

”Do I joke?” Vegeta asked. He murmured something under his breath, and then, scowling, pointed to his ears, which had gone pointy.

"Vegeta!" Bulma said--in shock more than anything else. "You're--you're...an elf?"

"Yes, I am," Vegeta said, "And Galadriel has--"

"Who is this Galadriel? Someone I should know about?" Bulma asked.

"She is an elf of a royal house, and no, not in that way," Vegeta said, "Now, what questions am I to answer first?"

"First of all, you said you were a saiyan," Bulma replied, "So tell us, why did you lie?"

"I didn't lie," Vegeta replied, "Because saiyans are merely...an evolution of elves, you might say."

"Explain, Vegeta," Bulma said.

"The saiyans appeared to elves only recently. Recently in elven years, that is, as they live long, and many hundreds of years can be called 'recent' to them. The first saiyan born was in Isildur's time--he's a Man, a hero of sorts, but his tale is long and sad, Bulma, I'll tell you of him later--in Mirkwood, and this elf was named Saiya. In Middle-earth, his abilities were limited, in comparison with the saiyans of this world. There, the saiyans had only the strength of nine men. Their pride in their abilities was present, as it is with saiyans in our world. This pride was their downfall. They began to seek after any measure of power, and Saiya himself--he named the saiyans after himself, of course, since he was the first one--was slain by another saiyan. You see...killing another saiyan if you were one became rather like a badge of glory. Because of this, the saiyans began to enter into league and friendship with Sauron...he's the 'Frieza' of Middle-Earth."

"This is a lot to swallow," Bulma said.

I realized while watching that beautiful proposal by the Boise State tailback to his cheerleader girlfriend that my favorite couples are the ones who stay together through terrible hardship - love that survives in a very un-romantic situation.  When it's romance in a romance movie, it's overload for me, and I get nauseous (like, with the notebook).  But when love is found despite situations that would not usually allow for it, I'm very appreciative.  It's those couples who can actually make it, who are actually real couples, who actually have true love.  The ones who live in soap opera worlds that are totally conducive to romantic attachments are boring, cheesy, and aren't actually going to survive when the going gets rough.  The couples that just sort of randomly get together in the middle of a war, however, might just be match-ups of convenience.  It's the couples that survive the entirety of an ordeal together that get my props... and thus I present my favorite couples of fiction (and fact).

Son Goku and Son Chi-Chi

My original favorite couple, the official (or at least real) couple of DBZ.  The odds they overcome are huge - namely, Goku dies twice, once for seven years.  Earth is constantly being threatened or destroyed, and he constantly has to go save it since the other Z warriors are incompetent (and that's counting Vegeta), and she always gets left behind.  Some say that because there's not a lot of PDA in DBZ this means that they don't love each other, but I strongly disagree with this.  For one, it is shonen anime, and it's not going to show a lot of touchy-feely stuff.  Also, I honestly don't think that Goku leaves to fight evil because he wants to.  He has to, and he may enjoy fighting because he's a Saiyan, but I really doubt that he wants to die.  "Embodiment of Fire" makes it very clear that Goku fights to protect those he loves - chiefly his wife and his son(s).  Watch it if you don't believe me.  Another slight against this ship is that Goku was "tricked" into marrying Chi-Chi and he doesn't even know what love is (let alone sex).  What people don't seem to realize is that marriage is a social construct.  When he meets her, he's lived most of his life outside of human society.  I mean, what societal role models has he had?  Mr. Roshi?  Bulma?  Oolong?  Yamcha?  Or how about Karin?  Kami?  Do you see what I mean?  Ask children raised by wolves if they know what marriage is.  That does not mean that he doesn't understand commitment and sex.  I have total faith that Goku knew what to do on their wedding night ^_- (and further that he doesn't stop there, but that's another post) because that's instinct.  Final slight: Chi-Chi yells, ergo she is mean, ergo this ship sucks.  Chi-Chi yells because she cares.  She's not whining (like some other female characters on that show...).  She's trying to make sure her family doesn't go down the shithole.  It would be worse, I've always thought, if she said, "Yeah, go ahead and fight to your death, I don't care."  When it comes down to it, she always has faith that Goku will win - and she wants him to win his battles too.  People respond to stress in different ways, after all, and Chi-Chi has a hell of a lot of stress in her life.  Still, by the end of DBZ they're still together (I don't count the whole final episode-lead in to GT thing), and Goku explicitly tells Chi-Chi that he's back for good this time and that he loves her, and Chi-Chi is demonstratively very happy about this.  I'll let Goku's wikipedia article speak for itself [italics mine]: "Chi-Chi had always been madly in love with Goku, a sentiment that he clearly reciprocates, but never fully understands. This is probably due to his utter seclusion from society until his adolescence... This certainly does not however (as many fans wrongfully assume) equate to Goku not loving his family."

Aragorn and Arwen Undomiel

I know that J.R.R. Tolkien didn't originally intend for these two to end up together, and didn't even include Arwen until a later draft (which differentiates this couple from the previous), but I for one am glad that he decided not to put Aragorn and Eowyn together, but to add another layer of complexity to the story by having an interspecies romance.  Obviously the concept of a human man and an elvish woman being in love is so cool that it's been copied... 500 million times, including by hideous, hideous "Eragon".  This is the original though, and the best.  They really are the main couple of Lord of the Rings, and are the epitome of love enduring hardship and separation.  Arwen knows that Aragorn is going off to fight Sauron (metaphorically speaking), and even though he's unsure of his chances of victory and of staying true to the path of goodness, being the heir of treacherous Isildur, Arwen reassures him, telling him that he will face the same evil, and defeat it.  She also gives him her Evenstar pendant to symbolize her commitment to him.  Even if he's to die - which she doesn't think will happen - she is willing to give up her immortality for him.  Aragorn, meanwhile, always wears the Evenstar very obviously around his neck, and never does anything with Eowyn even though she is clearly interested in him, and the last he heard, Arwen is sailing off to the undying lands with her father Elrond (or at least, that's what he's been guilted into wanting her to do, because Elrond yelled at him - "she stays for you, she belongs with her people").  He still dreams about Arwen regardless, and she saves him when he falls off the cliff in the battle with the hounds of Isengard by bringing him back to life.  They clearly have a deep psychic connection.  My favorite scene in The Two Towers is when Aragorn arrives, very late, at Helm's Deep, and Legolas hands him the Evenstar, which he lost in the skirmish, and Aragorn thanks him very sincerely.  Oh, this couple is so true.  Arwen represents hope, and Aragorn's love for her exemplifies his maturity - he not only has friends from all over Middle Earth, he also loves a woman who's so far from his "bubble" that she's not even the same species.  His ability to unite people is what makes Aragorn a leader.  No doubt Arwen helped him out with that ability. 

Hector and Andromache

I haven't actually seen the movie Troy, so I base this off the book, even though the picture is from the movie.  I hated The Iliad for what it did to this couple.  I suppose it's supposed to show the horridness of war, and how things don't always work out the way they should, but god if it doesn't really seem to glorify the wrong people (like Achilles... the spawn of Satan!).  Hector is the epitome of the noble hero.  He fights for Troy and for his family, because he knows that the Greeks intend on slaughtering all of Troy as revenge for Helen being taken from them.  Like Goku, he leaves his wife and son to fight because he has to.  He's their best fighter.  If he doesn't, they'll all die.  The scene when Andromache begs him not to leave and presents their baby to him to try to convince him not to go is the saddest scene in the entire book, because you know, from then on, that he's going to die.  And he does.  Achilles kills him and then parades his body around in the most heinous way imaginable.  What the hell goes through Andromache's mind then?  Even more so when the Greeks finally sack Troy and toss her son off a rooftop, and take her into captivity (to be raped, in other words)?  Compared to Paris and Helen, who are in a relationship of convenience, Hector and Andromache are one of the few couples in the whole of ancient Greek mythology that have a pure, true, human love.  It's sad that their relationship ends so awfully, but I'll always commemorate them as one of the earliest examples of true love.  There's a reason that I named my heroine in Ilium Agonistes after Andromache, after all.