sort your fucking life out, mate!

[intertribal]

 

Get Your Sexy Name

1. What are your nicknames?
At this point, Nad (my mother). My friends don't call me anything else.

2. What do you do before bedtime?
Brush my teeth, take out my contacts, change, read in bed.

3. What fandom(s) are you most into at the moment?
I've spent the summer basically in the professional tennis fandom. Entertainment-wise, the last one was probably Battlestar Galactica, but that has since died.

4. What is your favorite food?
Sushi is good.

5. What videogames are you playing at the moment?
I don't play videogames. That was not said snobbishly, it's just a fact.

6. What do you eat the most?
Rice.

7. Do you trust easily?
Pretty easily, but it depends on the person, obviously. I think I'm a decent judge of character anyway.

8. What was your first big fandom?
Dragonball Z.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
EVERYTHING. More specifically: my life trajectory, how I don't ever like anyone I date/ don't ever meet anyone I'd like to date.

10. Do you have a good body-image?
Yes.

11. What's one childhood item that you still have with you today?
I have a lot of books from childhood, some painted wooden horses, a craptastic picture I made by gluing flower "rhinestones" onto black paper in first grade (possibly the most ridiculously structured art assignment I ever had - the outline was already in place and everything), some stuffed animals, though they're mostly in the basement, photos obviously. I don't ditch my history, man.

12. What websites do you visit daily?
Livejournal, Gmail, NYTimes

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
My mother, Lindsey, Lucia, my cousin-in-law Debbie, Christina, Lexi, my uncle Imron. That last one is LOL, but true. And I suppose I at least "give a shit about" my Uncle Norm and Cousin Malcolm and Thomas.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No one tagged me.

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
"Bang Bang Bang Bang" - Sohodolls

16. What’s your favorite item of clothing?
My little black dress, my red peacoat, my black combat boots...

17. What was the last thing you watched on TV?
Andy "I'm-A-Hero!" Roddick playing some unknown tennis player in the L.A. Open. You know, I went through a brief period of sympathy for Roddick. It's gone now. Just because you narrowly lost to Federer does not make you Jesus, dude.

18. What you notice first when meeting a stranger?
Gender.

19. What would you like to achieve within the next 3 years?
There is so much I'd like to achieve in that timespan. Get a real job that has something to do with my field. Apply to grad school, get into grad school. Have a meaningful, long-term relationship. Write Ilium, or at least most of it. Take dancing lesssons.

20. What should you be doing right now?
Submitting this story... that does not yet have a name. Naming said story.

21. Do you always use conditioner when washing your hair?
I never use conditioner.

1. What does your first name mean?
Hope.

2. What does your middle name mean?
My first middle name means Famous Warrior. My second apparently means One Who Came From Hofstetten, a place of farms and manors in Germany. That's better than "horse and settler," I guess.

3. What does your last name mean?
It's my paternal grandfather's first name. I don't know what it means, if anything.

4. So what does your name mean when put together?
Hopeful, Famous Warrior from Hofstetten.

5. What would you have been named if you were the opposite gender?
I don't think my parents started thinking of names until after they knew my gender.

6. Any other name oddities?
My name means "hope" because my mother was told while she was pregnant with me that I had "broken chromosomes" and that I would, obviously, not be viable. So I'm named for her hope that I would survive (I don't have broken chromosomes, obviously). This is something that my mother didn't really want me to know, but my Uncle Norm told me this on the way to school, because he's a good bloke like that. Also, my mother was living in the U.S. alone when she was dealing with all the broken chromosome shit, so she called my dad all freaked out about "there's something wrong with the baby," and he said, "What?! It doesn't have a nose?!" Because apparently that was the most horrible birth defect he could think of. My dad was a funny guy.

7. Do you like your name?
Sure.

8. What do you like best about it?
It fits in just about everywhere. Slavs and Russians and Arabs fight over claiming it, which is hilarious.

9. What do you like least about it?
My last name is pretty dumb. If I had my paternal grandfather's last name, like Western tradition would have it, my last name would be Rasyid. Which I think would have been hot as fuck.

10. If you had to change your name (witness protection program, whatever), what would you want it to be?
I don't know. I might switch to Natalie, because a lot of people in the Midwest misremember me as Natalie.

The Shoes You Wore Today:
Black and "tatami mat" flip-flops. I don't know what else to call them. I think my regular flip-flops have been contaminated by staph and need to quarantined.

Your Weakness:
Crawling ghosts?

Your Fears:
Crawling ghosts?

Your Perfect Pizza:
I like the Hawaiian. I also like white pizza.

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Sort my fucking life out.

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
LOL, probably.

Thoughts First Waking Up:
Fuck my life.

Your Best Physical Feature:
I have nice legs. Ha ha ha.

Your Bedtime:
Between 1 and 2 a.m., usually.

Your Most Missed Memory:
I don't understand this question.

Pepsi or Coke:
Don't drink pop.

MacDonalds or Burger King:
Ugh. Burger King, I guess.

Single or Group Dates:
Single. I don't get how the group thing would work unless everybody was old and settled.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Lipton.

Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate.

Cappuccino or Coffee:
Coffee.

Do you Smoke:
No.

Do you Swear:
Fuck yeah.

Do you Sing:
Yes.

Do you Shower Daily:
Nope. Oh, blasphemy!

Have you Been in Love:
I don't think so. I'm not sure. Isn't that subjective?

Do you want to get Married:
Yes.

Do you belive in yourself:
Meh.

Do you get Motion Sickness:
Yeah. In fact, I can induce it at will! Mostly airsick, though, which is why I a) can never be a flight attendant, and b) don't get on a plane or a boat without Dramamine.

Do you think you are Attractive:
I'm all right, in my opinion.

Are you a Health Freak:
No.

Do you get along with your Parents:
Yes.

Do you like Thunderstorms:
They make me glad to be indoors. Other than that, I'm indifferent, except for the time one fried my computer and gave me the blue screen of death. Yes, kids, it can happen.

Do you play an Instrument:
I used to play the piano. I could probably still muster it.

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
"When am I drinking? As soon as I'm done here." - Lost in Translation

In the past month have you Smoked:
No.

In the past month have you been on Drugs:
No.

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
I haven't eaten Oreos in a long time.

In the past month have you been Dumped:
No. I did the dumping.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
No.

Ever been Drunk:
Yes. Last time was a couple years ago, though. Nowadays I strive for that nice zone between "tipsy" and "floopy." The drunk thing holds little appeal for me these days.

Ever been called a Tease:
... Yes.

Ever been Beaten up:
No.

Ever Shoplifted:
No.

How do you want to Die:
I have a long list of ways I DON'T want to die: a) murder, b) plane crash, c) some horrible terminal illness, d) fire, e) eaten by grizzly bears, f) in space (unlikely), g) buried alive, h) starvation. What does that leave? Old age? Getting run over by a car? Bungee-diving accident? Drowned in molasses?

What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
Fuck if I know.

What planet would you most like to Visit:
Europa has been my homegirl since middle school. Before the big Europa craze. Okay, maybe not. But we have a long and established bond! Oh wait, Europa's not a planet. Fuck. Guess I'll stay home.

Also, I just realized all these questions need question marks. A colon it the place of a question mark?
That is not grammatically correct.

Do you think it's a sign of weakness to cry?
No.

If you could stop time at any moment in your life, what would you be doing when you stopped it?
It would be pretty irrelevant, since all time would be stopped. Seriously, are these questions thought through?

Do your parents still treat you as though you are a child?
No, although it's touch-and-go.

Would you ever consider changing your sex?
Like my icon says, "I enjoy being a girl."

What's your most important possesion?
My laptop. Unless you count brains and things, but those aren't really possessions.

Would you want to live forever?
No.

Are you a violent person?
Not in person. But my imagination's a different story.

What's your favorite store at your local mall?
New York & Company. Yeah, yeah.

Are you craving anything right now?
The rest of my ice cream.

What's one thing you do now that you said you would never do?
There are very few things I have said I would "never" do. I still don't own a single piece of clothing from Tommy Hilfiger. Yes, they will start feeling the effects of my eleven-year boycott anytime now!

How did you get your last bruise?
I don't have any bruises currently. Probably banging some limb on something solid and immovable.

Are you allowed to eat in your room?
There aren't rules in my house, but I don't eat in my room.

Would you dye some of your hair a bright color if it was guaranteed to look good?
Yes, probably.

Is your cell phone always glued to your hand?
No.

Does it bother you when people mimic you?
No, but I have to say this is rare.

Would you rather have sex on the beach or drink the drink “sex on the beach”?
Funny story, I tried "sex on the beach" the drink very recently and I really liked it! I love me my fruity little drinks, cuz I can't shoot whiskey. So either.

What do you think the best cure for a hangover is?
Water, salt, shower, and coffee.

How many windows do you have open currently?
Several, but they all have screens.

Do you like short, medium, or long hair?
Medium, but other people would call it long. It's a couple inches below my shoulders.

Are you single, taken, married, or none of the above?
Single. FML.

What's the longest amount of time you've ever made out with someone?
I don't know. Fifteen minutes? Lame question.

Would you like to lose weight?
About 5 lb. would be ok. I would like to get down to 120 again, just to see how it looks. I'm not very invested in this, though.

What are you doing this weekend?
It's already halfway through the weekend.

What's your favorite cake flavor?
I am a sucker for red velvet, I'll tell you what.

What's your worst habit?
Out of the seven deadly sins, I am way up in the Wrath and Pride. Low on everything else. Except Envy.

You're in the Sonic drive-thru. What do you order?
I don't know, I've never eaten at Sonic.

What's your biggest pet peeve?
Incompetence. I lived in New York long enough to figure that one out, at least.

What are you doing tonight?
Titling that fucking story, hopefully.

What's on your mind?
Nothing I'd like to share.

Is there somebody that you really like?
Define your terms! Define your terms!

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
Open, always open, always, always, for the love of God, open. I am like fuckin' Phineas Fogg with my bedtime rituals.

Do you drink tea?
Yes, primarily iced and sweet. Like a Southerner. Or a Southeast Asian.

What's worse: dry skin or chapped lips?
Chapped lips.

Last person you told a secret to?
?

Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently?
Yes, long-distance.

What are you listening to at the moment?
"Holiday" by The Birthday Massacre. Good band, discovered through Pandora.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Yes.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
No one has that sort of capacity for anyone, anywhere in the world. Everybody's in a bad mood sometime.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My cat, Brownie. Oh, wait, person. It depends on what. In some ways, my cousin-in-law Debbie.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?
My mother.

When was the last time you were in a very good mood?
Can't remember.

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
My friends would suffice.

Are you happy with the choices you've made?
Reasonably. Not entirely.

Are you excited for anything?
No, which is part of my overall problem.

What were you doing last night at midnight?
I went to bed early and was asleep.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?
No.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you?
No.

Would you say that you are emotionally strong?
Yes, actually.

What was the reason for you throwing up last time?
Appendicitis!

What’s more important, trust or happiness?
Trust in what?

If you had a chance to kill the person you took this survey from, would you?
No. This is an insane question.

What was the last thing you drank?
Seagrams Strawberry Daiquiri.

Last person you hugged?
My mother.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
Yes.

What do you want more than anything in this world?
If I knew, I'd tell ya, survey.

Last time you felt physical pain?
Appendicitis! Discounting the occasional stubbed toe, staph infection, etc. Ok, it's been a bad summer medically for me.

Last time you felt emotional pain?
Uh...

Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yo, obvious answer approaching: my dad.

Do you hate anyone?
No. Andy Murray? No, I guess not.

Anything you would change about your life right now?
See that list of things I want to accomplish in the next three years.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
This very afternoon!

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
My mother.

Do you think you have made anyone happy recently?
I don't know

Do you think you will ever be married?
Boy, I hope so.

Do you want to see somebody right now?
Not really.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Taking my cat to the vet for a glucose check. She's slightly down from two weeks ago! Yes!

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
Yes, of course. I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Um, I'm not sure. Probably not, though. I don't think that situation should come up, in good relationships. Although I bet parents are supposed to say "my children" for this question. Still, the parent pretty much defines the life for the child, so I think it doesn't apply even there.

Your phone rings, what do you say?
Hello?

Does anyone completely understand you?
No.

Do you believe you can change someone?
I believe people can change. I'm not a fan of "human projects," though.

Last night you felt?
Can't remember. Sleepy, apparently.

Like anyone right now?
No.

What were you doing at 4 AM?
Sleeping. Having an annoying dream where I was walking around downtown with my uncle. Norm, not Imron. The one I like less.

Do you like your handwriting?
Yes.

Are you one of those kids that cut their hair by themselves when they were younger?
No. I had hair down to my waist, actually.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?
Probably.

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
No, because it would look terrible on my skin tone.

When was the last time you were unhappy with your life?
Yeah, dumb question, because the answer is ALL the TIME. Ha ha ha.

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?
Dear God No.

Are you nice to everyone?
No. But I'm not out-of-my-way mean, either.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friends?
Yes.

Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly?
No. Recent discovery!

Do you have plans for the weekend?
This is the weekend.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name?
No one.

Has anyone made you feel like crap lately for something they did?
Well, not lately.

Do you trust all your friends?
Yes, otherwise they wouldn't be my friends. Come on now.

You doing anything fun today?
Yes.

Comments

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

In the past month have you been Dumped:
No. I did the dumping.

What? In the last month? You keep secrets, man! Not fair.

Also, I don't know why everybody I know is depressed about their lives right now, but really, it's not that bad. ...okay, I am shit at consoling people. But like, you have a job, which is more than some people I know. And it's a job at a university, which is even a step up from most of the people I know who did manage to find a job. And grad schools will probably be fine with that. Do you need to have a place at the top? If your passion is writing, then don't you have what you need already? What's having a plan going to give you that you don't have already? Same with everybody's desire for a relationship right now--it just seems like panic at the thought of getting old, finding a job, a plan, security. Not that I don't want a relationship, but well, I expect to wait years for it. Maybe it won't happen at all. Maybe I'll just fuck a few guys and call it good.

I don’t need no upward mobility

I want to unlearn what I’ve learned
Want to unearn what I’ve earned
Want to burn my bridges down
Find a place I can’t be found
This is my manifesto destiny
Tearing down this upward mobility

Because I’m tired of standing upright
The taller we become the more dollars we can grab from that highest branch
And then step on your back given the chance
But not me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler just as sure-footed as I can

:P

sort of.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Not that I mean that people's reasons for wanting these things are exactly the same. Maybe it's being in one's early twenties, maybe it's lack of meaningful employment, maybe it's having graduated, maybe it's wanting a plan or security, maybe it's wanting something new, and maybe the last is tied to lack of meaningful employment and/or to past experience, etc. It was meant to be a list of various things that people are going through.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

This comes out probably way more combative than I mean it. But well, I guess I see people replacing finding meaning in their lives with finding something to get by on, and while that may be fine for some people, I think better of you than that. You have fire and sincerity and integrity, and you'd better not lose it, or I will become a miserable old wretch. Not that that's incentive. Um. I guess I'll just trust you to figure that out.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

If I insist on being a writer without anything else, I'll either die of starvation or die of insanity. How unfortunate that the meaning in my life comes from something that has directly or indirectly led so many of its practitioners to suicide.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

For some reason this reminds me of that album PJ Harvey made where she ate nothing but potatoes. Please don't do that.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Is this a joke? I'm not threatening to be a writer without anything else. I'm expressing why I can't be a writer without anything else.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I don't know, maybe it is. Jason has been threatening suicide lately. I tend to take such things in a half-serious way, never to the point of flippancy, but not overdramatic and pitying, either.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

A lot of writers have mental problems and some of them commit suicide. That's a fact of history. (Also, when I was reading The Bell Jar it was scary to me how much I could relate to Plath's voice and her experience in NYC) I very badly don't want to commit suicide, so I'm not exactly threatening it. But I know that I am mentally off-kilter and I have a history of depression and I don't think that blindly pursuing a calling that involves being alone and rejected much of the time would be good for my mental health. Which is why I "don't have all I need." Which is why it frustrates me when "the only dream I ever have" involves writing novels.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm glad you don't want to commit suicide. For whatever it's worth, you'll always have me, but I suspect that's not what you mean by 'being alone'.

This is actually why reading Nietzsche soothes me. I mean, it makes me stop being anxious and self-hating and stand up for myself.

I don't know how you'll make your peace with writing--whether it means getting a certain job or finding someone to love or just having more pride in yourself--but I suppose for your sake, I hope you do.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I don't know what standing up for myself would do for this situation... get a grip, brain, you don't need other people? I mean, having pride in myself... helps what, in this case? I get how that helped you, but I don't think these are equivalent situations. I've thought about this, and even if I was a very successful writer with a lot of joy in my work, I still would not be able to function without a family. I do need people to love, and people to love me. Constant reminders that there's a life outside of writing, because it is that life that I'm writing about. I need a support network. Something I don't really have now.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Eh, family are the same as any other people--even worse, they're forced upon you besides a partner.

Do you think that writing is inherently divisive this way--I mean, between the 'life outside of it' and the life in your head?

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

I think my childhood experience was too positive to conclude that.

Well, I've always found it to be. I'm sure there are some writers for whom it's not, for whom it's more like a "job," but I've always considered myself living in two realities - the one my body is walking in and the one I'm making in my head as I'm walking. It means I'm rarely ever very "there" in physical reality. And in worst cases it's an automatic escape hatch, so whatever's going on in reality, I can just go hide in my writing world. And it's not that I don't write about things I consider important, but I have to stay attached to reality somehow... and the thing is, that hasn't really kept me happy. It's just a band-aid covering the bullet hole, so to speak (I can't believe I actually used that phrase in my thesis...).

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

But they are, I mean, literally. They're no more important than any other person. It's just a matter of...propinquity. There's a GRE word.

I'm not sure I fully get this. The detachedness I know is the INTP's detachedness.

Nothing makes anybody happy, and it's not really a goal of mine anyway. Being stable enough to continue living, perhaps, but not that in and of itself.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Of course they're no more important than any other person overall, or rationally, but they are to you more important than any other person. I'm... not sure what you're getting at?

I don't know what the INTP detachedness is all about. But this is more like overlapping alternate realities. It really does seem like a bunch of other people are in your head, not necessarily talking but taking up mental space, but unlike a mental disorder, you have control over them.

Well, I want to have a family. That's always been true and continues to be so.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I'm getting at the fact that proximity does not make someone important to me. It makes them annoying, more like. I choose my company.

It's about being oblivious to the world around you and concentrating on ideas, apparently. This is also more true of men than women (big surprise). But I will say that when it gets bad, I do things like walk into the middle of the street while the 'don't walk' sign is on and not realize what's going on until I'm like "Why won't that fucking car get out of my way? Wait, where am I? Why am I here?" But there aren't so much people in my head as just lots of me, and lots of insights/feelings/drives, and lots of connections/images. Philosophy or whatever (I'll just call it that, since 'love of wisdom' does seem to be most suited, and least related to academic disciplines) is probably the most constructive thing I can do with that tendency, b/c otherwise it just gets neurotically and compulsively involved in myself.

Don't get it, probably never will, but whatever works for you...

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Right, so you choose who you want to have a family with. I don't think that for me proximity is part of it at all, but I suppose that's because I actually bonded with my family? I mean, what family is supposed to be is people that are more important than space and time, a "gang" as Lexi calls it. Your own tribe. And it has nothing to do with proximity.

I actually don't think I've ever had the experience of walking into a street at the wrong time or anything. It's more just not being totally engaged with the world out of my head... although I still pay enough attention to street signs. It's like having an in-joke all to yourself, that no one else understands (which is incidentally why I feel no one will ever understand me). Or like knowing some big secret about the world that no one else knows, although that one's harder to explain. I suppose you could also call it a huge extension on the imaginary friend idea. Not that I had any imaginary friends. I always had a very strong sense of control/direction of the elaborate kidnap/rescue games I'd play at age 3. I was always the auteur, so to speak.

Well, obviously I don't know for sure if it will work for me. But based on what I know of myself, I think I will have a much more fulfilling life if I have a family. I don't want that to be all there is, obviously, and it may be hard, but I think I want it to be part of my life.

Good luck on the GRE!

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Writing isn't enough to pay the bills. Also, writing is a solitary sport. I also happen to think writing (or the arts of any kind) isn't really enough of a contribution to the world good. So for all those reasons, no, I don't have all I need.

As for the relationship thing, my frustration stems from my inexperience more than age-related panic about finding something lasting. And how I think there's something wrong with me. Which is a position I don't know anyone else to be in. Which is why I keep it to myself.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Well, I was separating financial and human needs from passions or whatever you call it, but yes, I understand that. I just think it's the most important thing.

Yeah, I know you're a bit different than most people I know in this regard. I just freak out at hearing the same thing from everyone. And Jason, well, I guess he's self-conscious enough to realize that a relationship won't solve his problems, but I still think his desire for one stems from his isolation and lack of substantial future plans. Well, that and his friendship with his ex dissolving. He demands a lot more from friendships than most people, and she stopped paying him attention now that she's moved on to his former best guy friend. And he's indignant at the whole situation. So.

Eh...I don't think there's something wrong with you, for what it's worth. But I am of the opinion that there is something wrong with most other people our age, and I would probably be over-protective of you if you were actually dating people, you know, thinking nobody is good enough for you.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Exactly, I'm a "bit different." Yeah. What I wouldn't give NOT to be. It's an extremely painful feeling.

And I am dating people. Just not one person, and not seriously.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Well, I have a lot of respect for it.

Like who? I promise not to hunt them down and kill them or anything...

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Why? It's shit. It's me suffering. Why do you have a lot of respect for that?

No one you know. And no one I actually like, or I WOULD tell you, because I would actually be HAPPY about it.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I don't have respect for pointless suffering. I DO have respect for being stubborn enough about what one does and thinks in life to not just be satisfied with whatever lot you're cast, whatever is expected, whatever everybody else is doing. I have respect for honesty and openness and passion and those things that make me think that maybe humanity is worth it.

I was thinking as I was walking, actually...like, love is something that's suffering to no end other than itself, and that's what makes it beautiful. Why would you give your life for another person? Not because their life is worth more, not because of anything rational. It's the same with any passion. Is it worth the suffering? It doesn't matter. It's something higher than that, because what you do with your passion will never be worth any amount of suffering, unlike labor that gets traded for a wage.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

I mean, it's a value in and of itself. It can't be valued externally.

And all this because I was trying to decide how I felt about these lyrics to a love song, and men who loved women who were clearly not their equals.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Even if it makes me miserable? I'm not strong enough to just be "I'm different, woo." Not when everyone around me judges me for it. Yes, everyone. And not when I am jealous to the brink of tears of everyone around me. Not when I don't WANT to be different, not in this respect. Honesty and openness have nothing to do with anything, really.

I agree, but it's easier to be self-sacrificial when completely pursuing your passion doesn't LITERALLY entail self-sacrifice.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Well, misery has nothing to do with my respect, except in that those who seem blindly happy I generally have no respect for. Does that mean I want you to be miserable? No. Everyone judges you for this? What do you mean? I don't understand what's worth being jealous of, though, I really don't. Perhaps that's because I do 'want to be different'. No other life worth living. Honesty and openness do have something to do with it, because 1) I respect those qualities, and 2) most people are too polite (perhaps even in their thoughts, deceived as much as they deceive, etc.) to possess them.

Unfortunately, it often seems to, at one point or another (I say this b/c many of the intellectuals I respect most seem to have been rejected at the time, impoverished, even publishing on their own money or posthumously b/c no one would accept their things). The world doesn't get by on passion.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

My friends and family judge me. My family judges the hardest, though. I think it's easy for you to say that you want to be different because you have been un-different, and have been able to say, ok, that's not for me. Me? I have not. All I have is different, and all I can say about different is that it doesn't work for me. Honesty and openness have something to do with your respect, perhaps, but nothing to do with my situation. At all.

And since most people would rather not be miserable they decide not to take the route of whatever they're passionate about. Especially people like me, who are already lonely enough without the ball and chain of writing.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Your family judges you? And actually, I've never really fit in. I'm sure you think I have, but you and maybe Jason are the only ones I've really fit in with so if that makes me un-different, then it makes you the same. Honesty and openness have to do with it indirectly, I'm pretty sure.

Well, then, don't write, if you're all mopey about it. Go do something else.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Yes. My family judges me. They are actually of the opinion that I don't have a life and therefore can't write anything worth anything anyway! How's that? I am already thinking of ways to avoid the holidays. It's gotten worse since I haven't got anything else to say that I've been doing - you know, no "I'm studying, I'm writing essays, I have an internship." No "excuse," in other words. And you have fit in by virtue of having had relationships. Plenty of people have always been in relationships where they don't actually fit with their partner. That is the norm.

I can't. It's "the only dream I ever have." It would be easier if it wasn't, but it's never been a choice for me. It's the only thing I enjoy doing. But I feel like it conflicts so much with what I know would be healthier for me. Writing IS mopey for me. I've always had a love/hate relationship with writing. It has been a cause of great angst in my life.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, people judge me too. They give me grades and tell my my ideas don't make sense and I don't know how to communicate. My family doesn't know enough about what I care about to judge it. My dad is just proud to have finally achieved college graduation, because it's his vicariously, and my mother is like, "That doesn't make a lot of money, does it? Why do you want to do that?" But even if they condemned me, their opinion doesn't matter to me. It's the judgment of people like you and Steve that I care about in this regard, because I actually have respect for you. I trust you enough to give you that authority over me. And then, Alex and Jason think the idea of going to grad school for actual academic interests is either compromised bullshit or insane. Jason was particularly adamant that I was committing my life to doing nothing and being worse than the rest of humanity who at least contributes to society, but I think he's given up on beating up on me. But oh well. I realized about the time I got over my transcript that I have no regrets. I may not have gotten recognition for anything I saw as valuable, but it was worth it, and that's all that matters. But I hate whining about my 'problems'. None of that matters, and I don't deserve any pity. I chose to do that, it's part of who I am, and I'm proud of who I am.

Does your mother think that of you? And why do you care what the rest of your family thinks?

Having relationships has nothing to do with fitting in. I don't function socially, and Santiago and Josie aren't exactly people I could date to fit in with anybody I might want to fit in with. But it doesn't matter anyway. It's not like being in relationships scores you points or something. It just makes you jaded and miserable.

It is a choice. Maybe if you chose something else, you wouldn't be 'you' anymore, but it's the life you choose to lead. I want what I want because any other life seems meaningless to me, would give me no reason to get up in the morning, etc., and so how can I complain? I obviously don't want that other life, so if I don't get recognition and approval for the one I choose, well, that's part of the choice I made. I feel it's more of a choice between that or suicide, personally, but I don't usually say things like that because it sounds so much like I want attention and pity, when I don't. That's what I want in my life, and I'm willing to stand up for it, even if I feel ashamed when other people don't understand, even when I feel like I'm a failure at the only thing that matters.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

But the difference is, they're judging you for things that you have pride in. You can defend yourself on that scale. They judge me for things I wish I could fix but for some reason haven't been able to. And it's like rubbing salt in the wound. If they judged me for wanting to write, I would just laugh at them - but they would never judge me for that. It's totally different to be judged for not being in a relationship, which is hardly a life philosophy or passion.

No, because my mother wants me to stay at home and be her little girl forever and ever, because as she points out she is miserable when I'm not at home.

I wouldn't be able to function without writing or thinking about writing. Or maybe I could - I haven't tried. However, I'm not sure it's because any other life seems meaningless to me. It's because it's the thing I enjoy doing the most, and it feels as much a part of me as breathing. I feel compelled more than anything else. What I have to choose between is how much of my life I want to devote to writing, because 100% isn't possible. 0% also isn't possible. It's not fear that I won't get recognition or approval that's the down side of writing for me.

It's the fact that writing is such a solitary activity. Most people don't even travel to write like you can travel to study things like dance (taking my mother as an example). It's all that being-trapped-in-your-own-head-ness. That kind of thing fucks with me, which is why I need a day job and a life if I want to write.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

It's hard work to be proud of something when someone you trust tells you you're shit at it. It's also tiring. Sometimes I can't do it, and that's my weakness. So you believe them when they think you "don't have a life and therefore can't write anything worth anything anyway"?

Yeah, that's creepy/unhealthy.

I wish it were that effortless for me (I don't even know what to call it. not writing, exactly. philosophy?). I mean, it is, but I get in the way of myself in other ways, which can make me feel pretty worthless. You're lucky.

Good luck.

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I imagine it is hard and tiring, but it's still something that you ultimately want. I don't know if I totally believe that sentiment, but I do think that writing that's shut up in itself isn't relevant to anything except the author, and is delusional. And I value honesty in writing. So when they say things like that it does make me paranoid, yes.

I suppose. But she really does have no one else. If she had my dad it would be easier, then I think the both of us could stop wishing for our past life in Indonesia with him.

Well, it's not like I don't have to work at it to make it good. It's more that I can't stop telling stories. It creeps into everything else I do. But yeah, I guess there are challenges to whatever it is you're called to do. Thanks. You too.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

(and I mention Jason partly b/c he's also not quite the same in this respect. too aware of what he's doing...despite his drama.)