feel it breathing down, heavy on you
Sep. 30th, 2010 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intertribalI've never been made unsafe because of my demographics. I'm half-white and half-Javanese, but I pass. I look a lot whiter now than I did when I was younger (my skin has gotten paler, I've started looking more like my mother, IDK). I guess most people can identify that I don't look totally teutonic, or whatever, but I get to rest in the safe "mildly exotic" zone. The only people that actually broach the ethnicity subject with me are themselves not white. And I know that has made my life a lot easier.
Lately I have started to feel uneasy. I keep having nightmarish visions of America entering some kind of... social bottleneck, or something, because the amount of combative racist agitation in the country seems so high right now. A little while ago it was Arizona and the border. Now it's Islam. And while the anti-immigration rhetoric did make me nervous (and pissed for non-personal, more philosophical reasons) the anti-Islam rhetoric actually creates physical discomfort, because I was raised in Indonesia and my father's family is Muslim. To be honest I don't know much about the religion. I went to a Muslim school for two years, learned nothing (I was too busy talking to myself), was registered as Muslim at my international school, literally raced through my prayers, the end. My best friend was Christian. I was more excited about Christmas (presents!) than Idul Fitri (adults talking). But it was a Muslim society, and save for my atheist mother, all the responsible adults in my life were Muslim - though they ranged all the way from my dad, who was mostly atheist, to a friend of my dad's who was like a freelance preacher. To this day hearing the adzan comforts me. So I guess I have some cultural identification with Islam.
I pretty much know that the anti-Islam stuff going down in the U.S. is never going to hurt me, personally. I don't identify with any religion (right now I'm immersed in Christianity, and dabble in paganism, a la Christine O'Donnell I guess) and I look white enough that no one's going to bring it up. But I guess... I just feel more on-edge about it than I used to. I don't know if that's because of the changed climate or because I've gotten more sensitive or what. But these days I feel wary about saying I used to live in Indonesia, because what if they know Indonesia has the world's largest Muslim population? Why did that woman at work mistake hearing "Indonesia" for "Egypt" and then say "close enough"? That is how hyper my neurosis is. After all, if that is how Obama has been identified as Muslim - going to school in Indonesia, having a Muslim father - well, shit, my cover's blown. I shudder to think of the number of people who would happily high-five me in Memorial Stadium now who wouldn't if they knew. And believe me, thinking that way - feeling paranoid that I'm going to be somehow "found out" - makes me feel very cowardly and hypocritical, because WTF, right, there should be no shame in identifying with whatever ethnicity or religion, and how lame am I in propagating that there is something shameful about Islam through my actions. Like I am braver about sticking up for other people (who I couldn't be mistaken for) but don't have the balls to put myself on the line. That's fucking awful.
But then there's the question of whether I should even identify with Islam enough to feel uneasy and paranoid. I mean, there are a whole lot of people who have more cause for concern than I. It's not part of my identity. If we're going to pick out cultural/ethnic markers for me, I would say something along the lines of "l'enfant colonial." The line "Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo" is my favorite from "We Didn't Start The Fire." And on the other hand, I totally believe that people shouldn't wait to be a member of a group at gunpoint to, you know, say or do something. A lot of casual and/or combative racism upsets me mentally - but this is the first time I've ever felt physically and emotionally uncomfortable, for purely self-defensive reasons. It is very different from anything I have felt before.
Lately I have started to feel uneasy. I keep having nightmarish visions of America entering some kind of... social bottleneck, or something, because the amount of combative racist agitation in the country seems so high right now. A little while ago it was Arizona and the border. Now it's Islam. And while the anti-immigration rhetoric did make me nervous (and pissed for non-personal, more philosophical reasons) the anti-Islam rhetoric actually creates physical discomfort, because I was raised in Indonesia and my father's family is Muslim. To be honest I don't know much about the religion. I went to a Muslim school for two years, learned nothing (I was too busy talking to myself), was registered as Muslim at my international school, literally raced through my prayers, the end. My best friend was Christian. I was more excited about Christmas (presents!) than Idul Fitri (adults talking). But it was a Muslim society, and save for my atheist mother, all the responsible adults in my life were Muslim - though they ranged all the way from my dad, who was mostly atheist, to a friend of my dad's who was like a freelance preacher. To this day hearing the adzan comforts me. So I guess I have some cultural identification with Islam.
I pretty much know that the anti-Islam stuff going down in the U.S. is never going to hurt me, personally. I don't identify with any religion (right now I'm immersed in Christianity, and dabble in paganism, a la Christine O'Donnell I guess) and I look white enough that no one's going to bring it up. But I guess... I just feel more on-edge about it than I used to. I don't know if that's because of the changed climate or because I've gotten more sensitive or what. But these days I feel wary about saying I used to live in Indonesia, because what if they know Indonesia has the world's largest Muslim population? Why did that woman at work mistake hearing "Indonesia" for "Egypt" and then say "close enough"? That is how hyper my neurosis is. After all, if that is how Obama has been identified as Muslim - going to school in Indonesia, having a Muslim father - well, shit, my cover's blown. I shudder to think of the number of people who would happily high-five me in Memorial Stadium now who wouldn't if they knew. And believe me, thinking that way - feeling paranoid that I'm going to be somehow "found out" - makes me feel very cowardly and hypocritical, because WTF, right, there should be no shame in identifying with whatever ethnicity or religion, and how lame am I in propagating that there is something shameful about Islam through my actions. Like I am braver about sticking up for other people (who I couldn't be mistaken for) but don't have the balls to put myself on the line. That's fucking awful.
But then there's the question of whether I should even identify with Islam enough to feel uneasy and paranoid. I mean, there are a whole lot of people who have more cause for concern than I. It's not part of my identity. If we're going to pick out cultural/ethnic markers for me, I would say something along the lines of "l'enfant colonial." The line "Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo" is my favorite from "We Didn't Start The Fire." And on the other hand, I totally believe that people shouldn't wait to be a member of a group at gunpoint to, you know, say or do something. A lot of casual and/or combative racism upsets me mentally - but this is the first time I've ever felt physically and emotionally uncomfortable, for purely self-defensive reasons. It is very different from anything I have felt before.
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no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 06:48 pm (UTC)Mileage, of course, varies, and my life experience is that of a lower middle class Anglo Southerner with the concomitant WASPish tendencies but with healthy reminders from family that religion/spirituality and the self-identifying that goes along with it is, at the end of the day, nobody's business but the individual's.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 09:51 pm (UTC)