intertribal | i'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I literally laughed my way through it, me and Christina. But no one else in the theater was laughing - God knows why, because read as a comedy, it's ridiculously funny.

A while back I did a critique-by-evidence of the G.I. Joe franchise. I think I'll do the same thing for this movie. After all, I could tell you that the directing, acting, and writing were all shit. But "show, don't tell," right?

First, our cast - and names et al. may not be correct. I refuse to look things up for G.I. Joe.

GOOD GUYS

Duke: Channing Tatum as, and I quote, "a real American hero" with a vaguely trailer-trash accent. Occasionally seen on Harley in sunglasses. Mostly seen being the best at everything. In the top tenth percentile of all G.I. Joes!
Ripcord, aka The Jokey Black Guy: A very sad rip-off of Will Smith's character in Independence Day. Except he's in love with a white chick. See below.
Scarlet: Neither annoying nor impressive. She's a girl, so she fucks up and gets carried. Has random skills that occasionally come in handy in anti-climactic moments.
Moroccan Guy: The techie is NOT MIDDLE-EASTERN, OKAY. He's MOROCCAN. He speaks FRENCH.
Angry Black Guy: Unlike Ripcord, never smiles. Supposed to be British but only has accent 20% of the time.
Snake Eyes: Ninja without a face who doesn't talk. Somehow in a relationship with Scarlet, except she seems to be bored of him by the end. Not that I blame her.
General Hawk: Dennis Quaid decides to play this "commander" role as a bright-eyed, strong-jawed cheerleader without pom-poms.
Blondie: General Hawk's seemingly Swedish assistant.

BAD GUYS

Scottish Guy: Obsessed with metal masks and arms dealing and being Scottish. Somehow owns a powerful weapons corporation, despite being Scottish. Really though. Scotland? Arms trade? Also, hates French people, but the FRENCH SUCK ANYWAY. Has no other motivation.
The Baroness: Dominatrix-librarian type (black hair, glasses) who wears low-cut corsets in the snow and sashays her way everywhere. Used to be a good guy, when she was blonde and engaged to Duke. Extremely ineffective villain because of her affection for Duke. She's a girl, so she fucks up and gets carried.
Mysterious Masked Man: Seems to have a fetish for gas masks and cobras. All about injecting people in the neck with nanomites and making them obedient golems, for no apparent reason.
Asian Guy: Snake Eyes' adversary from childhood, when they were both trained by a kung fu master straight out of the 18th century.
Guy From The Mummy: Face-shifter who likes to whistle ominously.

This is the kind of movie that is just ruined by knowing anything about the way the real world works. I'm sure it's fine for 10-year-olds, but that any adult could sit through this movie and take it is just really sad. The above description of the cast should demonstrate the level of artistry and depth involved in this project. The thing is, it could have been made enjoyable as an action movie if it had just abided by some basic logical truths. I don't mean all the scientific implausibilities, like safely ejecting out of an airplane from somewhere in the stratosphere or extracting the memories of dead people by sticking tubes in their brain (this is where what you want is fantasy, guys, not science fiction) - but just, you know, basic flaws in reasoning.

A super secret, international military unit chaired by the U.S. (Team Alpha) would probably not be based in Egypt, and especially not right by the pyramids. Egypt isn't so big on the whole other-countries-infringing-on-it-thing.
A super secret, international military unit would have way better security than the kind displayed here. I'm talking waaaaaaaay better security.
A super secret, international military unit would prefer to stay super secret and not parade itself all over Paris, killing lots of people in the process.
A super secret, international military unit would not exist, because there is no way all those countries would "share intel" with each other, let alone agree on who the bad guys were. They also would not have funding. And NATO would never let them exist, let alone take control of NATO-developed weaponry. Etc., etc.

I don't claim to know much about the military. I've only been to one military function. But I'm pretty sure the military doesn't look like this. I mean, it's so unrealistic - and not all that cool, either, despite the movie's efforts to be a special effects visionary in the vein of Iron Man, which incidentally I also viewed with disdain - that I don't think it would even serve as a recruting tool. The only parts of the military that feel somewhat authentic take place in the Mid East in flashback form, and the whole thing is a great display of the U.S. military's shoot-myself-in-the-foot incompetence.

So... yeah. This is Hasbro's movie, as the opening credits make abundantly clear. Not the U.S. military's. Unless the U.S. military's incompetence is even worse than I thought. Let me put it this way: this is way worse than the recruiting ads they put on television. It's not the kind of movie that offends anything except your intelligence. The action is mildly entertaining, but it relies very heavily on slow-mo and CG - sometimes crisp CG, but too often sloppy and unconvincing. Not a lot of blood. The occasional "shit." On the intensity level, it's a 2. It's a movie made by a toy company. And it shows all over.

The only good part about this movie was that the little heroin overlord from Tropic Thunder, Brandon Soo Hoo, played Young Asian Guy. I love that kid and I'm glad he's getting work.