Wish I would've met you. Now it's a little late.

Q: Anyone know where the title of the post comes from?
A: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter. One of my favorite songs-I-don't-own, one I tracked down after I heard it in this awesome X-Files episode starring Giovanni Ribisi as a loser-mechanic who hangs out at the arcade with Jack Black, lusts after his jock-boss's wife, and has the power to control electricity, "D.P.O" (for Direct Power Outlet). He goes about killing the jocks that teased him in high school and trying to force the lady to love him back by giving her husband heart attacks. It's one of those Carrie-style episodes, you know, revenge of the magical nerds - always amusing. I've taken to saying that Carrie is my favorite teen movie. Maybe I should just buy the song. It's definitely about a newscaster who shot himself on the air (on a snow day, so all these children were home from school watching), but well. It's a good song. And I really fucking miss the X-Files. It's never on air anymore.

Man, I love how articulate NFL players are when they talk to the media. Courtesy of Adam "Pacman" Jones:
- "That's stupid. It's so stupid I have no more comments." (this reminds me of Homer Simpson: "Because they're stupid, that's why, that's the reason everybody does everything.")
- "If I beat myself up, who will take care of me?"
- "Football means a lot to me, but it's not everything."
- "It's not like I'm taking it pretty good."
- "I love me some me."
Granted, it's not just the NFL. A lot of athletes do not have verbal media savvy (can they pose for commercials? yes. but damn, the promo line better be short, and if it's a print commercial, even better). Obviously if English is a second language, that's another issue. But Roddick, for example, has no excuse. And the athletes that can compose sentences never tell reporters anything interesting. It's always, "well, they played a great game" and "we're gonna do our best" and "we want to get this win for coach" and the rest of that stiff, rehearsed, Remember-the-Titans drivel. They always look all shifty when they say it too, like little kid actors trying to remember their lines.

Which is why I appreciate:
- "I got one on. Don't worry about it. I'm not telling you how many times it took me, but I got one on." (on a particular hole at a golf course)
- "I won't let them take any reps away from me. I'm selfish."
- "It was a bad throw and it was a mistake but I didn’t want it to hurt us down the road so I pretty much forgot about it. I was more upset I didn’t make the tackle." (on an interception returned for a touchdown - I'm telling you, in this neck of the woods, quarterbacks are expected to tackle as well as pass, run, and receive. what's next? kicking duties?)
- "I'm going to have to take those guys out to dinner tomorrow night if my dad gives me the credit card."
- "We all had to come together and make sure that the same cancerous attitude didn’t eat our football team up again."
Seriously, he uses words like "cancerous." What athlete uses words like cancerous? Unless they're describing an actual tumor?

( Today's Bitch List )

so this is jesus christ. i am really quite surprised.

Well, Oklahoma choked.

Again.

Five straight losses in BCS bowls. Thanks for making the Big 12 look strong, Oklahoma! This means the Big 12 South (Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State) - which everyone thinks is oh so tough, the best half-conference in America - had only one winner out of the four teams they sent to bowl games, and that was Texas. Gag me, I know. The poor pathetic little Big 12 North (Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri) - which won all three of their bowl games - really appreciates the stellar effort y'all put into this one, Sooners. Highlights include not being able to score from literally the 1-yard line twice and missing your only field goal attempt. Stoops needs a lesson in prepping his teams for bowl games, because he's obviously doing something wrong.

Note to Stoops and everyone else on the planet: STOP POSING WITH THE MILITARY. It didn't work for Bush, it won't work for you.

Which means Florida won, and the sports analysis world will now begin prostrating themselves all over the place. Not only will we be hearing about how the SEC is like the new Roger Federer of college football (and I love you, Roger, but for a while there no one could touch you, so forgive me for comparing you to the SEC), but we'll be hearing non-stop about Jesus.

That's right. Jesus. He's back. Have you heard? He's going by the name Tim Tebow. He's in disguise as the quarterback of the Florida Gators. Because as we all know, God (?) gives so much of a shit about football.

Not an accurate representation of how Jesus, if he exists, spends his time.

You know how I said the Colt McCoy ejaculation made me nauseous? Well, this was just... stupendous waterfalls of praise, let me put it that way. Basically, human words could not describe the wonder that is Tim Tebow and his missionary ways. Because what's funny is that's all the commentators have really got as far as evidence supporting their claim that Tebow is the second coming of Christ - his parents are missionaries in the Philippines, he was home-schooled, and he promises to work harder than anyone on the planet.  With cut rates like that, boys and girls, we can all be Jesus.

"King Herod's Song" - Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Some gems from the Life in the Red blog, re: Tim Tebow. When we're not biting our chubby cornfed fingers off worrying about Nebraska, Husker fans can actually be pretty funny.

- Tebow, we are not worthy.

- These announcers have a little Tebow on their lips after... well, you get the picture.

- Wow - Tim Tebow went from one of the top 10 college football players of all time to the Top 5 in about 3 seconds.

- what the world savior got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. The apocalypse is upon us...run for your lives!!
- who do these refs think they are calling an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on the god that walks our earth.

- The travels of Tim Tebow and his attempt to save the world.

- Seriously, if they call him superman one more time, I may have to throw my laptop into my plasma!
- If I have to hear "Tim Tebow" one more time from these announcers... agh! College students could have one hell of a drinking game if they chugged every time they heard it. Geez give it up!

- Well if Tebow wins I expect the media to proclaim him the savior of mankind and break out into a verse of we are the world...that right there is worth staying tuned in for.
- What's the link for "We are the World", I want to know the words so I can sing along with my lighter.
- Will Tebow save the college football world from slipping into laziness..stay tuned.
- He's the only one with a good work ethic, just ask anyone.
- if Tebow wins and asks for a playoff, will we get one???
- No but we might get a Tebow scratch and sniff doll. So that everyone else on the planet can smell what sweat equity is from working harder than anyone else on the planet.
- If Tebow's the only one with all the work ethic and sweat and so on, isn't it just his personal National Championship? Does he have to share with his team?
- No he will share it with them because he pushed them...they were all lazy bastards until he cracked the whip...but he don't mind sharing with them, he's the only reason they are there but he's not selfish or anything. Everybody else is lazy, I have to work harder and make those lazy bastards work harder because they are getting in the way of my personal goals.

and the winner...
- who's Tebow?