dear world,

So just because my favorite model is Kate Moss (and that I have favorite models at all), that does not mean she is my "thinspiration".  Nor does that mean I want to "be as skinny as her".  I think she's a good model.  I think she's got a great face.  I think she exudes a certain "thing" when she's near a camera - a power - that most models don't give off.  She's, in a word, fierce.  And no, I don't do cocaine either. 

So just because my favorite band is Radiohead and I own the song "Creep" (which isn't even their best song, but whatever), does not mean I think the following lyrics are a slogan for eating disorders (usually imagined/desired eating disorders): "i don't care if it hurts/ i wanna have control/ i want a perfect body/ i want a perfect soul".  In fact, I really wish that ED-kids would stop hijacking Radiohead songs to justify their sicknesses.  Remember: "the best you can is good enough". 

I do not have an eating disorder, unless being obsessed with the Arnott's brand of cookies and crackers is a disorder. 

I have a writing disorder -> (namely:)
["i don't care if it hurts/ i wanna have control/ i want a perfect body/ i want a perfect soul" is more like a description of me writing.  idioteque: "i have seen too much/ you haven't seen enough/ laugh until my head comes off/ i swallow till i burst... ice age coming/ let me hear both sides/ throw them in the fire/ we're not scaremongering/ this is really happening... take the money and run".  morning bell: "i wanted to tell you but you never listen/ and i keep walking and walking and walking... the lights are on but nobody's home/ and everyone wants to be your friend/ and nobody wants to be afraid/ until you're walking and walking and walking and walking and..."  I like morning bell.  some people don't believe me when I say I have to write.  they tell me to see a psychologist.  they say it as a joke but I wonder.  they want me to have a reason, a want, a rational one - as in: I love to write because I can bring characters to life! - and I don't have one.  oh jesus it's a plague.  and anyone who loves it doesn't know it and now I sound like I can start my own WritingDisorder-support community: were_not_uncreative or some shit like that.  my mom thinks i sound peppy.  way to go, she says.  this after I tell her that how I'm writing makes me feel "like death".  like ED-kids I have a goal: publication, publication or else.  that is my GW.  but you know, the really serious types always push the GW lower and lower, as soon as they reach it then it's not enough.  and the un-serious poser types never reach the GW at all.  so what am I?  a poser-writer.  there are two colors in my head.  what was that you tried to say?  ]  

Thanks.  Sometimes I just need to admit that how I'm writing isn't mentally sane and will probably maim me for life. 

screaming girls

Your Musical Tastes Match: Nicole Kidman

See her whole playlist here (iTunes required)

What Celebrity Matches Your Taste in Music?

My mother always wants to listen to my iPod when we're driving in the car at home.  Granted, so do I.  It beats the radio.  But my current obsessions near home-time are always songs that I just know will scare her.  Last time it was Scarling songs and "Fuck the Pain Away".  Those didn't go over so well.  This time it's Hole songs and "Noir Desir" (Vive La Fete), which actually turns into hard-core screaming at the end.  But I like them for their intensity, their scariness.  Because I feel like screaming so often, even when I'm happy.  Just listening to Els Pynoo makes me want to buckle over and scream, with ecstatic rage.  Of course I'm sure my neighbors think that I'm being murdered.  (Or they would, if they weren't always hammering nails into the wall they share with me.  They're constantly renovating, those two.)

I'm contemplating separating out the songs that will potentially scare my mother, or make her cringe, from my frequently used playlists and putting them into their own category: Danger, Danger, High Voltage.  But is it really being honest if I let her listen to the playlist that describes "me" and I censor some of the songs?  (do I think too much?)  I used to never let my mother listen to my music at all.  We diverged after we moved to the States, because I got more into pop than I was in elementary school, when all I had was Asia Hit List for two hours on Saturdays (I rooted for the Spice Girls, and secretly, for Madonna and Jewel).  Before we listened to Broadway as a family - Les Miserables, Evita, The Phantom of the Opera.  And some Disney: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Pop came and screwed that all up.  I think she criticized, or ridiculed, something I listened to once in middle school, and I never let her hear anything I liked again.  I suppose that's somewhat a good thing.  It spared her "Closer" (Nine Inch Nails) and Meteora (Linkin Park) - both of which I still listen to on occasion, but they're hardly a staple of my audio diet.  Then my music collection exploded in college and I got an iPod and suddenly my mom's praising Coldplay and demanding to hear more new music, and it's cool when she likes it, but terrifying when she doesn't.  Terrifying, hurtful, the works.  I consider my mother's taste sophisticated and learned, maybe that's why.  Or maybe because I think: if she likes it and I like it, it's crossed generations, and it must be truly good.  I don't want to know that my mother thinks my taste is trash.  I want her to love what I love.  And when she says nothing in response to songs that are soul-resounding to me, like "Running Up That Hill" (Placebo), I feel like there's this void between us, or the song's not as good as I think it is.  Sometimes I just accept that my mother has taste-problems.  For instance, she's allergic to country, the same way she's repulsed by lima beans.  She can't handle "Walk the Line" - not even sung by Johnny Cash but by Joaquin Phoenix.  But when she says she appreciates songs for their complex rhythms, like "Ways and Means" (Snow Patrol), doesn't that mean the ones she doesn't appreciate are simplistic?  And then I feel the need to explain myself, why I have such a ridiculous attachment to that song, and I just get frantic and use abstract hyperbole, usually, and I end up sounding as moronic as my song. 

For some reason I'm more paranoid and protective with my screaming girls than my screaming boys.  I don't take the boys as seriously, perhaps.  Rammstein and Korn are both pretty funny, if you think about it.  But the girls - I can relate to them and their complaints (even when I don't speak their language).  They dig in my stomach - Courtney and Shirley and Els and Jessicka (and Tori, too).  And for some reason they're the ones that my mother is more likely to not be able to stand, over the boys.  A generation gap?  Is it more painful to hear girls being musically "ugly" (so to speak) if you're a woman?  A disappointment?  A disillusionment?  And I guess it is more typical for boys to be screaming in rage than girls (in music).  You could probably do a whole big analysis comparing this to the use of the disembodied female voice in cinema - the female scream (in terror as she is about to be killed, or in witnessing a murder) is frequently used, but the disembodied female voice is never in control, never authoritative unless she is a villainess.  When she screams it's in fear, never rage.  But that's part of the reason I really like it when female artists cover male songs, especially songs that are stereotypically male - grunge and metal and pissed. 

"this is a song that kurt wrote... we can't do it very well, but we'll try... maybe he can hear it, and he'll go, you know you really fucked up my song, courtney, don't even try it... but if it works..."

manufacturing consent

Your Power Element is Metal

Your power colors: white, gold, and silver Your energy: contracting Your season: fall You are persistent (and maybe even a little bit stubborn). If you see something you want, you go for it. You have a lot of strength, and it's difficult to get you down. Very logical, you tend to analyze everything going on in your life.

What's Your Power Element?

What reality television show is right for you? (choice of 4)  It has nothing to do with interest, because all are relatively successful reality television shows, which means there's enough of an audience of each to imply that interest has nothing to do with a show's audience.  I can also attest that interest in the subject is irrelevant from personal experience.  Note: not included are shows that have no "winner", such as the MTV and VH1 shows (The Real World, The Osbornes, etc.). 

1.  What's most important in determining the "winner" of a reality TV show?
    a.  Talent
    b.  Morals
    c.  Marketability
    d.  Likeability
2.  What kind of host or judge do you prefer?
    a.  Flamboyant and opinionated
    b.  Unbiased and quiet
    c.  Supportive and honest
    d.  Hyper and pushy
3.  Who should determine the winner?
    a.  Competent experts in the field
    b.  The contestants' peers
    c.  The public - whoever's most loved wins
    d.  Everyone and anyone - it's all about surprises!
4.  Do you like hearing about drama between contestants?
    a.  Yes, it's funny
    b.  Yes, I love studying interpersonal relations and power dynamics
    c.  No, that's not the point
    d.  No, I prefer when everybody gets along
5.  What kind of contestants would you prefer to see?
    a.  Ambitious, creative artisans
    b.  Regular people
    c.  Inspirational, attractive heartthrobs
    d.  Nice people
6.  Should reality TV be a launching point for a career?
    a.  Ideally, yes, but what happens, happens
    b.  No - it's just an experiment
    c.  Absolutely, it's a must
    d.  No - it's just entertainment
7.  How much hardship should the contestants face?
    a.  They should be pressured, but not subjected to hardship
    b.  A lot, the more the better
    c.  A little bit
    d.  None - cruelty isn't fun
8.  How important are celebrities to a reality TV show?
    a.  Experts are important - if they're famous, so be it
    b.  Not at all, what's real about celebrities?
    c.  Important - after all, we all like stars
    d.  The occasional guest appearance is fine
9.  How much time are you willing to devote to watching a reality TV show?
    a.  Half an hour, maybe one - it better be snappy
    b.  One or two hours - it takes time to see all the complexities developing
    c.  As long as they keep me entertained, I could go for two or three hours
    d.  My time is worthless, so a lot of time
10.  Do studio audiences annoy you?
    a.  Yes, if they're not clapping respectfully
    b.  Yes, which is why they should not exist
    c.  No - I'm in the studio audience most of the time, screaming and holding signs!
    d.  No - they're nice to everybody, and they humor the bad jokes the hosts make

If you answered mostly A:

( if memory serves me right... )

If you answered mostly B:

( the tribe has spoken... )

If you answered mostly C:

( your results, coming up after this break... )

If you answered mostly D:

( it's time to go...! )