dear world,

[intertribal]

So just because my favorite model is Kate Moss (and that I have favorite models at all), that does not mean she is my "thinspiration".  Nor does that mean I want to "be as skinny as her".  I think she's a good model.  I think she's got a great face.  I think she exudes a certain "thing" when she's near a camera - a power - that most models don't give off.  She's, in a word, fierce.  And no, I don't do cocaine either. 

So just because my favorite band is Radiohead and I own the song "Creep" (which isn't even their best song, but whatever), does not mean I think the following lyrics are a slogan for eating disorders (usually imagined/desired eating disorders): "i don't care if it hurts/ i wanna have control/ i want a perfect body/ i want a perfect soul".  In fact, I really wish that ED-kids would stop hijacking Radiohead songs to justify their sicknesses.  Remember: "the best you can is good enough". 

I do not have an eating disorder, unless being obsessed with the Arnott's brand of cookies and crackers is a disorder. 

I have a writing disorder -> (namely:)
["i don't care if it hurts/ i wanna have control/ i want a perfect body/ i want a perfect soul" is more like a description of me writing.  idioteque: "i have seen too much/ you haven't seen enough/ laugh until my head comes off/ i swallow till i burst... ice age coming/ let me hear both sides/ throw them in the fire/ we're not scaremongering/ this is really happening... take the money and run".  morning bell: "i wanted to tell you but you never listen/ and i keep walking and walking and walking... the lights are on but nobody's home/ and everyone wants to be your friend/ and nobody wants to be afraid/ until you're walking and walking and walking and walking and..."  I like morning bell.  some people don't believe me when I say I have to write.  they tell me to see a psychologist.  they say it as a joke but I wonder.  they want me to have a reason, a want, a rational one - as in: I love to write because I can bring characters to life! - and I don't have one.  oh jesus it's a plague.  and anyone who loves it doesn't know it and now I sound like I can start my own WritingDisorder-support community: were_not_uncreative or some shit like that.  my mom thinks i sound peppy.  way to go, she says.  this after I tell her that how I'm writing makes me feel "like death".  like ED-kids I have a goal: publication, publication or else.  that is my GW.  but you know, the really serious types always push the GW lower and lower, as soon as they reach it then it's not enough.  and the un-serious poser types never reach the GW at all.  so what am I?  a poser-writer.  there are two colors in my head.  what was that you tried to say?  ]  

Thanks.  Sometimes I just need to admit that how I'm writing isn't mentally sane and will probably maim me for life. 

Comments

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

i think you know too much about eating disorder communities...

in any case, regardless of how mentally sane or maiming it is, i don't think there's anything about needing to write that means you have to see a psychologist...though i'm not sure if your goal should be publication. at least, it shouldn't be your only goal, i think...but that's just me

[intertribal.livejournal.com]

Eating disorder communities are fun to stalk. It makes me feel like there are people who are more screwed up than me.

The thing is... i need external validation. I just do.

[royinpink.livejournal.com]

well, we probably all do, but...choose carefully whose external validation you need? and don't place everything on it, i guess...not that i can really give advice here