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Yes, I know I just referred to my own school by its derogatory nickname.
Anyway, do you? I will happily place you in either the Soft, Medium, or Hard social sciences. Yes, there is a difference. Yes, these are a combination of stereotypes, anecdotes, first-hand experience, and observation, and by no means am I to be held liable for you picking the wrong major just because you're its stereotype. Just take this quiz, bitch.
1. What do you wear to class?
a. A cool quirky outfit I put together on my own. And cool ethnic jewelry made of beads and wood.
b. Business attire. Or, clubbing attire. Heels, makeup, accessories. School is practice for the business world.
c. Sweats. Sneakers. Duh.
2. What race are you?
a. Well, I'm 1/16th Cherokee... or, I'm too many things to count. Race is a social construct.
b. White, or Mixed.
c. A minority. Particularly Chinese or Indian. Or, I'm an Aryan blonde.
3. What type of books do you like to read?
a. Dusty old books that have never been checked out of the library but are totally genius.
b. Glossy books with Dramatic Titles: Long-winded Explanations written by a smiling white guy in a suit.
c. I don't read books. If I have to do it, they'd better be entertaining and full of pop culture gimmicks.
4. Preferred class readings?
a. Tomes.
b. Articles.
c. Textbooks.
5. How do you like your exams?
a. In subjective take-home essay form. I quake under pressure.
b. 5 out of 8 IDs, 2 out of 3 short answers, 1 out of 2 essays. In two hours, preferably.
c. Problems with multiple questions about fictional countries with names like Toyland and McDonaldsia.
6. What's your most important cause?
a. Social constructs. Ok, fine, women's rights.
b. War and/or human rights and/or AIDS.
c. Keeping inflation at 2%. I mean, 3%. I mean, whatever's good for my stocks.
7. How do your parents feel about your major?
a. Shh. Mom says we can't talk about that anymore, it's bad for Dad's heart.
b. Okay. They keep saying, "well, at least she can go to law school."
c. Great! My dad has friends at LSE and they'll make sure I can get in there for study abroad.
8. You want boys in your classes?
a. Only if they're gay or effeminate, because I don't want to feel threatened in my safe space.
b. Hell yes! I'm always looking to snag the next Barack Obama or JP Morgan.
c. Fuck no. I separate work and play.
9. Sentence association! "My shirt was made in China."
a. That's interesting, you know, given the history of textiles in China, and why are you making that comment, does that make you feel more validated as an American, and China has really cheapend itself, but really this can be explained historically, if you read this book by this one guy he has a really good point that China...
b. Yeah, so have you heard? China's going to kick the U.S. off the top and we'll see who'll be laughing then.
c. Fucking China and their FUCKING cheap labor and low prices. What's wrong with child labor again?
10. Life after college?
a. Fuck if I know, man. Grad school? I'm not done studying!
b. Law school, business school, a master's program, an internship, a fellowship, the state department, the UN, Wall Street. Yes, I'm applying to everything.
c. Business school.
11. Involved in student government?
a. Uh, ha ha. Is that a joke?
b. Absolutely. I have intense class pride. Go team! I want to make changes and enhance dialogue. Vote for me, I'm super cool!
c. I'd rather get good grades, thanks. This school is a mere stepping stone to world domination.
12. Do you like to ask questions during lectures?
a. Isn't that the point of attending class, having an engaging discussion with the professor?
b. No. I like to tell the professor things they don't know. Or correct them, even better.
c. No. But I answer the professor's questions with speed and accuracy.
13. How many languages do you speak?
a. English and the language of the country I'm really interested in studying right now.
b. English and whatever I signed up for to get rid of this dumbass language requirement.
c. English and my actual, native language. I'm bilingual.
14. Do you make friends with other people in your classes?
a. Yeah. It's easy to bond with people you have intense discussions with.
b. No. I hate everyone in my classes. They're either stupid or potential competition.
c. Sure, why not. I need somebody to check problem sets with.
15. Good at math?
a. NOO.
b. It stops at "derivative".
c. I wish writing papers were as easy.
16. How do you feel about America?
a. It's diseased. A wasteland.
b. It needs to get over itself before it gets nuked by like 20 countries.
c. It's not perfect, but it is very successful, and success is good.
17. Which newspapers do you read?
a. Village Voice.
b. New York Times.
c. Wall Street Journal.
If you scored mostly "a"s, answer this:
a. So those ethnic beads. Where'd you get 'em?
1. My dying grandmother. --> SOFT, THIRD WORLD (TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUM).
2. Anthropologie. --> SOFT, FIRST WORLD (HUMPTY DUMPTY).
If you scored mostly "b"s, answer this:
a. You hate America why, exactly?
1. It raped my people. --> MEDIUM, THIRD WORLD (LION AND THE UNICORN).
2. It means I get dirty looks when I go to Europe on vacation. --> MEDIUM, FIRST WORLD (WHITE QUEEN).
If you scored mostly "c"s, answer this:
a. Why do you want to earn a lot of money again?
1. Gotta give back to relatives in the homeland. --> HARD, THIRD WORLD (THE MESSENGERS).
2. Gotta buy Prada somehow. --> HARD, FIRST WORLD (RED QUEEN).
SOFT? Anthropology, sociology, women's studies, ethnic studies. Cultured. Careless.
TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLEDUM: "If that there King was to wake... you'd go out - bang! - just like a candle!" Obsessed with blackface and yellow fever, you give back to your people, whoever they may be, by discovering terrible secrets hidden in the collective unconscious of the West. The rest of us, naturally, feel like shit upon listening to your long rants about how all of academia is just a perpetuation of occidentalism.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: "It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's a present from the White King and Queen. There now!" You wish you had a people to give back to, but you don't. Instead you will aim to analyze other people's people and hopefully get a wing dedicated to you in the Museum of Natural History. They're very interesting creatures, aren't they? Look at them, scurrying around under your microscope. Oops, that one caught on fire. Whoopsie!
MEDIUM? Political science, history. Polished. Predatory.
THE LION AND THE UNICORN: "Then hand round the plum-cake, Monster... Fair play with the cake, you know!" Che Guevara's a fuckin' poser compared to you. You regale, bore, and irritate your classmates with your self-righteous, proof-less stories about civil wars you survived and how the poor really do need help, because you know, man, you've been there. Except, how poor can you be, if you attend this school? Hmm.
THE WHITE QUEEN: "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!" You really just want to go to law school, wear heels, marry a diplomat, and look good doing it. Sure, world peace is nice and all, but it's never going to happen, despite what you might write in your papers. You lie a lot. Oh well. It's more important that YOU get an A so that YOU get into law school. Because that's the first step to success.
HARD? Economics. Ambitious. Assured.
THE MESSENGERS: "He's only just out of prison, and he hadn't finished his tea when he was sent in... so you see he's very hungry and thirsty." As much as you'd like to keep the future piles of money you're going to make, it's all going to the villages back home because they need it. Either that, or you're going to forgo making future piles of money so you can become a corrupt government official back home. Because they need that too.
THE RED QUEEN: "Just as I'm five times as rich as you are, and five times as clever!" Those future piles of money? Oh, you're keeping all of it. You believe we just hate you cuz we're jealous. But it's not really true. Because Prada looks bad on you. Bitch.
Anyway, do you? I will happily place you in either the Soft, Medium, or Hard social sciences. Yes, there is a difference. Yes, these are a combination of stereotypes, anecdotes, first-hand experience, and observation, and by no means am I to be held liable for you picking the wrong major just because you're its stereotype. Just take this quiz, bitch.
1. What do you wear to class?
a. A cool quirky outfit I put together on my own. And cool ethnic jewelry made of beads and wood.
b. Business attire. Or, clubbing attire. Heels, makeup, accessories. School is practice for the business world.
c. Sweats. Sneakers. Duh.
2. What race are you?
a. Well, I'm 1/16th Cherokee... or, I'm too many things to count. Race is a social construct.
b. White, or Mixed.
c. A minority. Particularly Chinese or Indian. Or, I'm an Aryan blonde.
3. What type of books do you like to read?
a. Dusty old books that have never been checked out of the library but are totally genius.
b. Glossy books with Dramatic Titles: Long-winded Explanations written by a smiling white guy in a suit.
c. I don't read books. If I have to do it, they'd better be entertaining and full of pop culture gimmicks.
4. Preferred class readings?
a. Tomes.
b. Articles.
c. Textbooks.
5. How do you like your exams?
a. In subjective take-home essay form. I quake under pressure.
b. 5 out of 8 IDs, 2 out of 3 short answers, 1 out of 2 essays. In two hours, preferably.
c. Problems with multiple questions about fictional countries with names like Toyland and McDonaldsia.
6. What's your most important cause?
a. Social constructs. Ok, fine, women's rights.
b. War and/or human rights and/or AIDS.
c. Keeping inflation at 2%. I mean, 3%. I mean, whatever's good for my stocks.
7. How do your parents feel about your major?
a. Shh. Mom says we can't talk about that anymore, it's bad for Dad's heart.
b. Okay. They keep saying, "well, at least she can go to law school."
c. Great! My dad has friends at LSE and they'll make sure I can get in there for study abroad.
8. You want boys in your classes?
a. Only if they're gay or effeminate, because I don't want to feel threatened in my safe space.
b. Hell yes! I'm always looking to snag the next Barack Obama or JP Morgan.
c. Fuck no. I separate work and play.
9. Sentence association! "My shirt was made in China."
a. That's interesting, you know, given the history of textiles in China, and why are you making that comment, does that make you feel more validated as an American, and China has really cheapend itself, but really this can be explained historically, if you read this book by this one guy he has a really good point that China...
b. Yeah, so have you heard? China's going to kick the U.S. off the top and we'll see who'll be laughing then.
c. Fucking China and their FUCKING cheap labor and low prices. What's wrong with child labor again?
10. Life after college?
a. Fuck if I know, man. Grad school? I'm not done studying!
b. Law school, business school, a master's program, an internship, a fellowship, the state department, the UN, Wall Street. Yes, I'm applying to everything.
c. Business school.
11. Involved in student government?
a. Uh, ha ha. Is that a joke?
b. Absolutely. I have intense class pride. Go team! I want to make changes and enhance dialogue. Vote for me, I'm super cool!
c. I'd rather get good grades, thanks. This school is a mere stepping stone to world domination.
12. Do you like to ask questions during lectures?
a. Isn't that the point of attending class, having an engaging discussion with the professor?
b. No. I like to tell the professor things they don't know. Or correct them, even better.
c. No. But I answer the professor's questions with speed and accuracy.
13. How many languages do you speak?
a. English and the language of the country I'm really interested in studying right now.
b. English and whatever I signed up for to get rid of this dumbass language requirement.
c. English and my actual, native language. I'm bilingual.
14. Do you make friends with other people in your classes?
a. Yeah. It's easy to bond with people you have intense discussions with.
b. No. I hate everyone in my classes. They're either stupid or potential competition.
c. Sure, why not. I need somebody to check problem sets with.
15. Good at math?
a. NOO.
b. It stops at "derivative".
c. I wish writing papers were as easy.
16. How do you feel about America?
a. It's diseased. A wasteland.
b. It needs to get over itself before it gets nuked by like 20 countries.
c. It's not perfect, but it is very successful, and success is good.
17. Which newspapers do you read?
a. Village Voice.
b. New York Times.
c. Wall Street Journal.
If you scored mostly "a"s, answer this:
a. So those ethnic beads. Where'd you get 'em?
1. My dying grandmother. --> SOFT, THIRD WORLD (TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUM).
2. Anthropologie. --> SOFT, FIRST WORLD (HUMPTY DUMPTY).
If you scored mostly "b"s, answer this:
a. You hate America why, exactly?
1. It raped my people. --> MEDIUM, THIRD WORLD (LION AND THE UNICORN).
2. It means I get dirty looks when I go to Europe on vacation. --> MEDIUM, FIRST WORLD (WHITE QUEEN).
If you scored mostly "c"s, answer this:
a. Why do you want to earn a lot of money again?
1. Gotta give back to relatives in the homeland. --> HARD, THIRD WORLD (THE MESSENGERS).
2. Gotta buy Prada somehow. --> HARD, FIRST WORLD (RED QUEEN).
SOFT? Anthropology, sociology, women's studies, ethnic studies. Cultured. Careless.
TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLEDUM: "If that there King was to wake... you'd go out - bang! - just like a candle!" Obsessed with blackface and yellow fever, you give back to your people, whoever they may be, by discovering terrible secrets hidden in the collective unconscious of the West. The rest of us, naturally, feel like shit upon listening to your long rants about how all of academia is just a perpetuation of occidentalism.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: "It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's a present from the White King and Queen. There now!" You wish you had a people to give back to, but you don't. Instead you will aim to analyze other people's people and hopefully get a wing dedicated to you in the Museum of Natural History. They're very interesting creatures, aren't they? Look at them, scurrying around under your microscope. Oops, that one caught on fire. Whoopsie!
MEDIUM? Political science, history. Polished. Predatory.
THE LION AND THE UNICORN: "Then hand round the plum-cake, Monster... Fair play with the cake, you know!" Che Guevara's a fuckin' poser compared to you. You regale, bore, and irritate your classmates with your self-righteous, proof-less stories about civil wars you survived and how the poor really do need help, because you know, man, you've been there. Except, how poor can you be, if you attend this school? Hmm.
THE WHITE QUEEN: "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!" You really just want to go to law school, wear heels, marry a diplomat, and look good doing it. Sure, world peace is nice and all, but it's never going to happen, despite what you might write in your papers. You lie a lot. Oh well. It's more important that YOU get an A so that YOU get into law school. Because that's the first step to success.
HARD? Economics. Ambitious. Assured.
THE MESSENGERS: "He's only just out of prison, and he hadn't finished his tea when he was sent in... so you see he's very hungry and thirsty." As much as you'd like to keep the future piles of money you're going to make, it's all going to the villages back home because they need it. Either that, or you're going to forgo making future piles of money so you can become a corrupt government official back home. Because they need that too.
THE RED QUEEN: "Just as I'm five times as rich as you are, and five times as clever!" Those future piles of money? Oh, you're keeping all of it. You believe we just hate you cuz we're jealous. But it's not really true. Because Prada looks bad on you. Bitch.
