a sense of joy and then a panic

i give you anything, i give you anything, i gave you everything
i've got to watch myself
and love myself
and take care
so keep the light on before you hop into bed
maybe this is the last honest look that i'll ever give
maybe this is the last honest look that i'll ever give
(repeat ad infinitum)

-> look at my cat.  it's crying.  that says something.  i sound so emo.  i feel emo.

the return of saturn... assessing my life... second-guessing
i'm full of artificial sweetener
my heart's been deceitful
it's all artificial sweetener

<- 1:01 AM.  I've wanted to go to bed since 12:00 AM, but I had to help Lucia with her paper.  And now I have to fix Ilium's dialogue so I still can't go to bed.  I should have the stamina to be up later.  Maybe I should change my mood to lethargic.  There's so much I have to do.  Ironically, none of it is homework. 

reread, rewrite, redo, undo,
i'm stuck on this page

-> why do I feel depressed again?  nothing seems to be wrong right now.  maybe i need to go to boston and get out of morningside heights.  but i feel like i really just need to get out of my life.  i need to get out of everything here.  it's a slump.  it's eating me, that's what it feels like.  can't sleep.  life will eat me.  i'm trapped.  i feel so trapped.  like my rib cage is being sat on by some invisible giant.  i feel so sad.  maybe it's just today.  maybe i should go to bed... get up tomorrow.  when everything will be better.  i swear to myself.  i wonder if people can spontaneously die in their sleep, if they really don't want to wake up.  i also wonder if people can die of broken hearts.  according to some psychologist you can.  well, no time to think of that.  i have work at noon tomorrow.  i have so much to do ("you're working so hard and you're never in charge").  i have to do so much.  i get to do so little.  my life is an authoritarian dictatorship, and i don't even know who the dictator is.  god?  some part of myself? 

wake from your sleep, dry all your tears
today we escape, we escape...
pack and get dressed
(before your father hears us)
before all hell breaks loose
breathe, keep breathing, don't lose your nerve
breathe, keep breathing, i can't do this alone

<- Garbage dumps don't have the right to ask somebody to please rid them of the trash they're filled with.  That's what they're for.  1:15 AM.