intertribal | feel it breathing down, heavy on you

Entry tags:

feel it breathing down, heavy on you

I've never been made unsafe because of my demographics. I'm half-white and half-Javanese, but I pass. I look a lot whiter now than I did when I was younger (my skin has gotten paler, I've started looking more like my mother, IDK). I guess most people can identify that I don't look totally teutonic, or whatever, but I get to rest in the safe "mildly exotic" zone. The only people that actually broach the ethnicity subject with me are themselves not white. And I know that has made my life a lot easier.

Lately I have started to feel uneasy. I keep having nightmarish visions of America entering some kind of... social bottleneck, or something, because the amount of combative racist agitation in the country seems so high right now. A little while ago it was Arizona and the border. Now it's Islam. And while the anti-immigration rhetoric did make me nervous (and pissed for non-personal, more philosophical reasons) the anti-Islam rhetoric actually creates physical discomfort, because I was raised in Indonesia and my father's family is Muslim. To be honest I don't know much about the religion. I went to a Muslim school for two years, learned nothing (I was too busy talking to myself), was registered as Muslim at my international school, literally raced through my prayers, the end. My best friend was Christian. I was more excited about Christmas (presents!) than Idul Fitri (adults talking). But it was a Muslim society, and save for my atheist mother, all the responsible adults in my life were Muslim - though they ranged all the way from my dad, who was mostly atheist, to a friend of my dad's who was like a freelance preacher. To this day hearing the adzan comforts me. So I guess I have some cultural identification with Islam.

I pretty much know that the anti-Islam stuff going down in the U.S. is never going to hurt me, personally. I don't identify with any religion (right now I'm immersed in Christianity, and dabble in paganism, a la Christine O'Donnell I guess) and I look white enough that no one's going to bring it up. But I guess... I just feel more on-edge about it than I used to. I don't know if that's because of the changed climate or because I've gotten more sensitive or what. But these days I feel wary about saying I used to live in Indonesia, because what if they know Indonesia has the world's largest Muslim population? Why did that woman at work mistake hearing "Indonesia" for "Egypt" and then say "close enough"? That is how hyper my neurosis is. After all, if that is how Obama has been identified as Muslim - going to school in Indonesia, having a Muslim father - well, shit, my cover's blown. I shudder to think of the number of people who would happily high-five me in Memorial Stadium now who wouldn't if they knew. And believe me, thinking that way - feeling paranoid that I'm going to be somehow "found out" - makes me feel very cowardly and hypocritical, because WTF, right, there should be no shame in identifying with whatever ethnicity or religion, and how lame am I in propagating that there is something shameful about Islam through my actions. Like I am braver about sticking up for other people (who I couldn't be mistaken for) but don't have the balls to put myself on the line. That's fucking awful.

But then there's the question of whether I should even identify with Islam enough to feel uneasy and paranoid. I mean, there are a whole lot of people who have more cause for concern than I. It's not part of my identity. If we're going to pick out cultural/ethnic markers for me, I would say something along the lines of "l'enfant colonial." The line "Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo" is my favorite from "We Didn't Start The Fire." And on the other hand, I totally believe that people shouldn't wait to be a member of a group at gunpoint to, you know, say or do something. A lot of casual and/or combative racism upsets me mentally - but this is the first time I've ever felt physically and emotionally uncomfortable, for purely self-defensive reasons. It is very different from anything I have felt before.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

But that's the whole thing, is it makes you sensitive, it makes you paranoid, this hyperawareness of your own status. (Why this at all resembles how I felt at Reed, I should really try to pick apart sometime.) Like when Dethorn was here, he was so afraid of what people thought of him as a black man--both the other teachers and all the Chinese people. And the students, you know, mostly they're just village kids. They don't know anything, they really don't--many of them have never seen a black person before, and whatever they know they know from books and movies and sports and music. He could shape their whole impression. But I know he was stressed about what they would think, because he said so. As for us, he'd like...go about his normal life downstairs with his suitcase full of shoes, talking to his mom and listening to R&B. But when he'd talk to us, he'd be all like, "You know what band I recently found that's alright? Radiohead." Or telling us he'd put up pictures of us on Facebook that he deliberately took out of his China photos, or whatever.

There's a good maxim, "Our distrust of another justifies his deceit." I think you get it, for the same reasons people have to 'defend' themselves from other countries. The distrust justifies it only because it locks you into a cycle--if you don't trust someone and treat them with respect, then they will do the same, and why not? Point is, I hope you don't get into the cycle of paranoia, because it hurts you the most.

Just so it's clear, I told that story (or stories) not because I think it's the same experience, but because it relates to the parts about shame and worthiness, pride and paranoia.

And maybe b/c I just wanted to get that off my chest, I dunno.

Yeah - I do get it, the cycle thing. I mean, that's partly why all of this concerns me, because I know it doesn't lead to anywhere good.

Well, just keep it in mind, plus the knowledge that you have more worth than anyone who might be prejudiced against you or your background could estimate.

It occurred to me that there is one thing I really do keep secret here. I don't let people know about my bisexuality (or whatever you'd want to call it). I did that once, and the girl never talked to me again (but that could be for other reasons). But it's not really something I feel afraid of. If pressed, I would fight for it. It bothers me sometimes that heterosexuality is just assumed, but mostly I don't think my sexuality should be relevant. Funny I don't feel the same way about that at all.

So you're afraid of your whiteness, but not of your bisexuality? I guess that makes sense, I mean, I'd assume they'd connote very different things in China. Also you actually can hide being bisexual, and you can't hide being white.

It probably has as much to do with me as China, but yeah, bisexuality is more morally repugnant, dangerous, unnatural, whereas whiteness is a weird mix of exotic, stupid/ignorant, rich/powerful, deaf-mute, nontraditional/uncultured, and very other/outsider, which different people react to in different ways. Anyway, I'm not really afraid of people finding out I'm bisexual, although I think the reaction (in general) would be more negative. I don't find it as dehumanizing, which again might have to do as much with me as China. Although I will say I'm more comfortable with being white, blondish, blue-eyed, American, etc. than I used to be (like in middle/high school). Sidenote--one result of the conversation with Vincent was that he started noticing more how people treat me, how everyone says "Hello" (in English) to me and so on (that I don't mind so much until it starts to be like some fucked up catcall).

Anyway, I got your package today! Thank you :) :) I won't get to eat the chocolate till I'm not so sick, but I'll look forward to it, and it's probably for the better anyway. I'm thinking of putting the sprinkles on brownies (I have like six things of brownie mix) and giving them to the students. I appreciated the note, and I will put the picture on my desk. Sorry to hear you were sick too. Sickness all around... damn mountain brought my infection back.

Oh, and glamorous, because white people come from Hollywood, I'm sure you know.

That reminds me of when my mom and I went to see Winter's Bone (which I wrote a little about on LJ), my mom saying "This is the kind of movie they should show in other countries," because it's an America/white-person-community that is totally unlike the standard LA/NYC setting.

definitely. Probably not out on DVD yet, eh? I wish I could show Boys Don't Cry, but I'm not sure it's appropriate for class (college in the US is one thing, but here...).

Not yet, comes out late October. You know I only saw Boys Don't Cry in college (and by that I mean, when I was in college, but I saw it on TV at home)? Deeply scary movie.

That's really interesting about the (probable) reaction to bisexuality being negative, but not as dehumanizing as the not-totally-negative (or at least not in the same way) reaction to whiteness. I can see why, even if I can't really articulate it.

Oh hooray! I'm relieved it got there safely. There's two photos in the picture frame, so you can switch them out if you'd like. I was just having my seasonal bad cold... your illness sounds worse, if you can't eat chocolate. Fuckin' infection man. You're gonna have to go into rehab.

I'm glad you see it too. Maybe it's not just me (I mean, me having more of a problem with whiteness or whatever).

Oh, thanks for telling me, it'd probably have taken me ages to figure that out. Well, I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the crazy amounts of smoke in the air (from god-knows-what), but who knows, it could be a cold. It's not that bad, but paired with the infection, it makes me exhausted. I took the day off and rested, though, which helped a bit. The infection at least is going away.

Nah, I actually don't think it's just you. But if I see it too it could just mean we're both crazy.

Yeah, probably should have said something in the note, haha. Crazy amounts of smoke in the air... sounds bad. This is the same infection you've been struggling with, though, right?

Re: pt 2

royinpink.livejournal.com - 2010-10-08 13:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: pt 2

intertribal.livejournal.com - 2010-10-08 14:03 (UTC) - Expand

Re: pt 2

royinpink.livejournal.com - 2010-10-08 14:08 (UTC) - Expand

say, if you had a choice between a cicada and an ox, which would you choose?

Like, in those forms? Ox scroll or cicada ring? Prob'ly the cicada regardless.

Re: pt 2

royinpink.livejournal.com - 2010-10-08 13:53 (UTC) - Expand

And of course it's also related to the problem of pride and shame wrt group identification generally, the way the someone whose actions you aren't in any way responsible can make you feel ashamed, the way the status of that group can make you insecure when you have no reason to be. I think that's related to why I feel more insecurity about being a white foreigner than liking girls. There's something I don't like about that status that I don't give a shit about for bisexuality, even if I did have a girlfriend and I got all the shunning and/or awkwardness that would likely happen in a traditional place like Zhengzhou. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I'm proud of it (doesn't seem like an accomplishment, exactly), but I certainly have no shame about my sexuality. Just a thought.

*responsible for

Sorry if I'm too talkative. It's been a weird week.

It's cool - we haven't talked in a while!

There are more white foreigners doing things you'd be ashamed of than there are bisexual people doing things you'd be ashamed of? I think it has something to do too with one of those being construed as a position of privilege (even if you don't experience privilege associated with it) and the other one definitely not being a position of privilege. IDK, that might be totally wrong. It makes sense that you'd feel shame about being a white foreigner but not about being bisexual, I guess.

Well, I meant more the status in general (like what you're saying about privilege--I included both just b/c I wanted to make a general statement not about myself here, like we've talked about the same thing wrt nationalism, or the Indonesia pavillion at the World Expo, and so on), but I suppose it's true that the expat community does more things I'd be ashamed of. I don't really identify with them, though. Like if another white foreigner does something stupid, I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed as much as irritated or angry (depending on how stupid), sometimes uncomfortable because I feel like I'm inbetween, have to pick a side, or maybe embarrassed if it's someone I'm really friends with.

Anyway, whether it's the privilege aspect (which here just seems so misunderstood and out of context, but nonetheless...) or the patronizing vibe about Chinese things (incl. the very simplest things, as if living here for a year I haven't figured out how to put food into my mouth or walk to the store and have lived off some secret stash of white people sustenance), or whatever other stereotypes people might have, there's nothing humanizing about being white in China, and nothing I want to be associated with. At least with sexuality, even if some people think being queer is disgusting, it's something I have no problem being associated with.

probably also, precisely because I am trying to learn Chinese, etc., because I place a certain value on knowledge and respect, I don't like to be associated with total foreign ignorance and disrespect. And if being white meant something else to me, maybe I wouldn't feel that way, but it's not like I see most other foreigners behaving like something I'd be proud to call myself a part of.

I dunno, it's difficult, b/c on the one hand I don't want to feel responsible if Karl is out with Chinese girls who think it's the coolest thing to get drunk with a white guy (which, no matter how shallow and consenting the girls are, I still think is wrong). I want to say that I have nothing to do with that. But at the same time I know that we are the foreign guests, and I should behave myself as a foreign guest, and our employers will treat us as a group, and things he does may reflect on me in their eyes, so I do identify with that.

It seems to me you've got a pretty good balance between distance/individuality and awareness of context (probably all phrased totally incorrectly) going for you.

I dunno, I try at least. But thanks for the vote of confidence.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only