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because I'm bored, delirious with illness-related pain, and have done all my homework.  here's my review of "The Tree of Might", better known as DBZ movie 3, and hereby known by me as DBZ ATTEMPTS TO DO MIYAZAKI ENVIRONMENTALISM, one of the few early ones I haven't seen. 
* Krillin, Bulma, Oolong, and Gohan are on a camping trip.  Gohan brought his entire library.  I must take this opportunity to point out that Goku is not with them, and I think that serves as INCONTROVERTIBLE (and by incontrovertible I mean circumstantial) proof that he and Chi-Chi have "sent him away for the night", so they can, you know, have sex on the kitchen table.  No, we have no evidence of this, but then again, this show insists, especially in the early sagas, of having a sexual IQ comparable to Rugrats.  So whatever, I'm going to make my own assumptions. 
* a UFO strikes the forest, setting fire to the forest, causing all the poor little doe-eyed animals to run away and cry and need to be rescued.  Bulma the coward wants to run, but Krillin and Gohan insist on blowing out the fire with their super-dooper powers.  Then they rescue some animals, notably that annoyingly cute purplerun, you poor useless animals, run! dragon that hangs with Gohan in movie 4, "Icarus". 
* they stop the fire, leaving a charred forest behind.  The approximately twenty animals "don't have a home anymore," as Gohan weeps.  Touching moment of silence.  Not as sappy as the forest fire scene in The Return of Cooler, which includes the amazing line, "You heard him guys!  Let's give those animals a hand!"  Krillin decides to find the dragonballs to restore the forest back to the way it was.  "Just this once," says Bulma, giving them her dragon radar.
* they collect the dragonballs during the credits and return - in apparently the same night, regardless that a day and more evidently passed while they collected the things, and summon the Eternal Dragon.  "Haiya Dragon" later known as Icarus, attacks the Eternal Dragon.  Before he can get bitch-slapped by Shen-long, Gohan tells him to stop and be nice to it.  The Eternal Dragon sweat-drops, then grants them their wish, and goes back to sleep.
* a tripod, a la War of the Worlds, emerges from the crater. 
* ugly Saiyan fuckers soar through space looking to grow the Tree of Might.  The fabled Turlus, only before seen on AMVs, turns out to have a voice that is a combo of Jeice and Zarbon.  I ask you why. 
* the Sons are having a nice family... er... bath... in their backyard when Icarus sneaks up on them.  Naturally, Chi-Chi thinks it's a demon of some sort, but Gohan affirms that it's just his new "friend".  Afterwards she blames all this troublemaking behavior of his on Goku's friends. Well, no duh, they're all failures at life.  Goku just throws out his usual "go easy on him" blah blah blah, but doesn't actually do anything to help Gohan's cause, no doubt because he's sitting at afore"mentioned" kitchen table and figures he probably isn't due too many favors right now.  Gohan swears to do his homework and she backs off immediately (and Gohan learns the wonders that lying can do).  Then he wants Icarus to live with them.  Chi-Chi wisely tells him to send the thing back to the forest.  C'mon, don't take the thing out of its environment, what the fuck, it's not a dog, it's a fucking dragon.
* Gohan sends the thing off, but of course here we have the obligatory boy-and-his-dragon moment where the thing refuses to leave.  Instead of going rabid and having to be shot in the head, Goku appears out of nowhere and leads them to a cave where Icarus can stay, and as Icarus slobbers all over him, proceeds to laugh like an idiot.
* Yamcha and Pu'ar go flying in their "ship".  Yamcha talks about his many fans now that he showed up to the martial arts tournament.  Pu'ar says things like "hm?" and "Yamcha?"  Piccolo is meditating by his waterfall (the same one in Movie 4) and feels evil forces with his antennae. 
* Evil aliens land and blow craters into the poor abused forest.  Yamcha and Pu'ar get blown off course. 
* Gohan and Icarus act like retarded kids together, bathing each other and such.  Goku yells at him to come eat dinner, meaning that he was at home with Chi-Chi, probably fucking on the kitchen table again.  Icarus sees a weird little seed growing out of his cave.  King Kai shows up out of NOwhere and contemplates things.  A massive tree trunk springs out of the Earth and demolishes buildings to dramatic-ish music, as roots burst through highways and create havoc.  Turlus says this is all because Goku hasn't wiped out the population of Earth as he was supposed to.  Cue more dramatic music as Icarus sees the disastrous, er, dark shape.
* Yamcha has crash-landed on Mt. Paozu, apparently, because suddenly he and the entire lot of Goku's dysfunctional, in-need-of-Dr.-Phil friends are sitting at the Sons drinking coffee.  Yamcha apologizes for dropping in unannounced, not so subtly making eyes at Chi-Chi, and Bulma yells at him for buying a ship to impress girls.  Mr. Roshi says sorry for the imposition - why the fuck is he there, anyway? - and Chi-Chi's like, yeah, whatev, as long as Gohan studies.  Yamcha says, "I can read!  Perhaps I can help Gohan with his studies!"  Chi-Chi smiles sweetly at first, and then says, "I don't want him turning out like you!"  Everyone, including Gohan, laughs. 
* Icarus bonks his head on the window.  Chi-Chi tells Gohan to get rid of him.  Goku sticks up for Gohan a little more this time, but it's a weak effort.  Gohan pulls out the longest "But Mo-o-o-o-o-o-m" ever heard.  Icarus is clearly trying to tell him something, but Gohan says to just wait for him in the cave, and gives him a mean face.  Icarus leaves with droopy wings.  "That dragon's acting a little strange," says Goku.  "He just wants to play," says Chi-Chi. 
* King Kai psychically contacts Goku and tells him about the "wicked Tree of Might" that will bear fruit for the (G)ods that, whoops, also sucks all the nutrients of its home planet dry.  So convenient to have an encyclopedia for a mentor who just drops in with this crucial information because you live out in the freaking backwoods and have no idea that cities are being destroyed by gigantic roots bursting through the Earth.  He says it's the end of the Earth, matter-of-factly, and Goku says, "No!" and twitches his eyebrows for a while.  Everyone else probably thinks he's gone nutso.
* Ugly Saiyans anxiously await the magical fruit that will make them stronger.  Duuuuh.  I wish once something on this show would make people... like... hypnotists or something instead of omnipotent.  Regardless, Turlus, whose face we have not yet seen, says they have Kakarrot to thank for not destroying the planet and leaving all its ripe precious nutrients in tact.
* Goku breaks the news to everyone else, then says they must combine powers to save Earth.  Krillin cheerleads.  Tien, Chaozu (who are there for no reason) and Yamcha join in.  Gohan tries to as well, but Chi-Chi says no to that.  Thankfully it cuts, as they evidently don't think it's necessary to explain why a 6-year-old shouldn't go fight an evil tree and evil Saiyans. 
* Krillin wonders who planted such a monstrous thing.  Goku's response is "Right!  Let's go!" which is not an answer, since "let's go" means "let's destroy the tree".  It doesn't work.  However, it gets the attention of the ugly Saiyans, who snicker ominously.  Tien "feels their power is very strong" while Yamcha says "you blew up my ship!  so you owe me!" proving he's a fucking materialistic fuck.  Krillin says the best ever comment: "Well, they don't look like Saiyans to me.  But I've got a bad feeling about this!"  Cue dramatic music.
* Gohan tries to find Haiya Dragon, at first afraid the thing is mad at him, but evidently it doesn't stay mad for long, because there it is.
* We discover the ugly Saiyans enjoy smashing balls of dirt.  Tien and Chaozu, a.k.a. gay lovers Chip 'n' Dale, take on ugly little purple twin tumors.  Tien Solar-Flares the twins into... hysterical blindness.
* Krillin forms a destructo disk at the ugly Saiyan that looks like a Native American (complete with braid and reddish skin... sigh, Akira Toriyama never went to racism sensitivity class).  Krillin misses.
* Yamcha takes on some kind of machine-like combo of Cell and mecha-Cooler.  His method consists of forming a little orb and making it chase the monster around with sharp finger movements.  It doesn't work.  The mecha flies straight at him and submerges him in a crater (?).  Goku takes him out, then takes out two others in one second.  Yeah.
* Chaozu is being chased by the purple tumor man, then Gohan interrupts him, screaming, "Don't destroy the forest!  It's for the animals!"  Purple-tumor-man says, "A kid?  I'm not a babysitter!"  (ah, the genius scriptwriters of DBZ...)  On the ship, Turlus, whose face we finally see, and who looks, despite all claims made by Toriyama and FUNimation, exactly like an evil Goku - same hair and everything - comments, "that boy is strong.  Can he be... is he...?" and then laughs to himself.  "Saiyan?"  Yes, he doesn't notice Goku, who's been fighting all this time under his nose, yet he notices Gohan, like 100 feet away.
* Gohan beats up on the purple tumor-man, showing a complete lack of his father's reluctance to kill things.  He looks for Haiya Dragon, but meets Turlus instead.  The following conversation ensues:
    Gohan: Daddy?
    Turlus:  Well hello.  So you're the son of Kakarrot, huh?
    Gohan:  Hey, you're not my Daddy!  (A/N: fuckin' moron)
    Turlus:  You think I resemble Kakarrot?  Of course.  We are both lower-class Saiyan warriors, and there's only a few types like us. (A/N:  Toriyama never took bio, clearly)  Power level 10,000.  There is Saiyan blood in your veins.
    Gohan:  Who are you?
    Turlus:  I'm a Saiyan.
    Gohan:  Huh?  A Saiyan?
    Turlus:  That's right.  I'm Turlus.
    Gohan:  Turlus?
    Turlus:  How would you like to come with me, kid?  You and I can travel through space, and destroy a few planets.  What do you say?  It'll be fun.  I'll teach you how to be a real Saiyan warrior.
    Gohan:  I'll never go with you! (punches him)
    Turlus:  (catches the punch)  That's no way for a fellow Saiyan to act.  You know, we're the survivors.  It would be such a shame if we didn't become good friends.  So be a good boy. 
Anybody else see the blatant, uh... pedophilish-ness of Turlus?  Okay, good, great.
* Fortunately, Piccolo shows up before Turlus can rape Gohan.  Turlus uses the only swear word of DBZ:  "Who the hell are you?"  Turlus does one of those power-beams at Gohan, but Piccolo takes the blast.  Turlus steps on Gohan, pulls out his tail psychically (don't ask, please) and then creates a fake moon.  All this is to make Gohan want to be a true Saiyan, or something, and gauge his power level.  He holds Gohan up to look at the moon.  Goku yells at him not to look.  Too late.  Angry Oozaru Gohan emerges. 
* Goku goes toward Gohan, kills a few baddies along the way, and is horrified to see that Gohan has no idea that he's looking at his father.  Or maybe Gohan's already harboring some of that teen angst and is just taking it out on dad.  He proceeds to drum his chest and flatten Goku. 
* Turlus:  "Son kills father.  So Saiyan.  Don't worry, Kakarrot, I'll look after your son."  Turlus needs a girlfriend.  Or willing boyfriend.  I guess he feels Goku's a lost cause, since he didn't destroy the planet and instead hooked up with some Earth chick, and figures he can still corrupt Gohan.  At least, I hope.
* Piccolo yells at Goku to cut Gohan's tail off, but before he can do so himself, Gohan swats away his beloved sensei.  Turlus decides to kill the two meddling... adult men, and aims a blast at them that knocks Oozaru Gohan off his feet as well.  Oozaru Gohan and Goku fall into a river (never mind that all the water was supposed to be sucked up by the Tree of Might).  Unfortunately, Oozaru Gohan is still hella pissed off, so he picks up Goku and puts the squeeze on him (A/N:  How many times has poor Goku had his bones crushed by a gigantic monster?  I'm counting 4 off the top of my head).  This gives Turlus a hard-on. 
* Just then Haiya Dragon appears and starts chirping at Oozaru Gohan.  Miraculously, this stupid little overgrown Pikachu manages to entrance Gohan, and the two of them frolic about at the bottom of the cave.  Yes, that's right.  A thing that Gohan has only known for two days, he remembers while in Oozaru form, but his own dad?  Nary a thought.  With Gohan preoccupied, Goku yells at Turlus - who's already very horrified that Oozaru Gohan feels pity for a purple dinosaur - that they're not Saiyans, they're Earthlings.
* Turlus blasts something at Gohan, who gets pissed off again - apparently this is supposed to prove that Gohan is a Saiyan, because other races clearly enjoy having ki blasts shot at them.  Oozaru Gohan starts attacking Turlus, but before Turlus can kill him with a big mega explosion, Goku cuts off Gohan's tail and turns him back into little innocent (naked) boy, who says, "Please, Daddy, you just gotta save the Earth."  Choral music plays as Goku says he's not sure about the Earth, but he'll save Gohan. 
* at a carnival that says DBZ on it, people die.  Across cities, electricity dies.  Presumably the stock market crashes.
* The fruit continues to grow. 
* Goku and Turlus stare at each other for 30 seconds.  This does not bode well.
* Turlus' henchmen offer to take him out.  They have KO'd Krillin and Tien now too - Goku doesn't even care, which is odd, but I guess the whole being-nearly-killed-by-his-son thing fucked him up in the head. 
* Piccolo attacks Turlus.  To no avail.  Turlus says, "That was hot and spicy," before blasting Piccolo into oblivion.  Meanwhile, Goku kills all the henchmen. 
* Turlus wants Goku to "kneel down before" him.  Goku just keeps saying his name is "Go-ku" as if "go" is the first part of the verb, and "ku" is the second part, as in "to go ku something".  Heh heh.
* mass destruction. 
* Goku says he's glad he was hit on the head as a baby.  Turlus is finally impressed by Goku's power level.  They do hand-to-hand combat for a while.  Then Turlus unfortunately plucks the fruit of the Tree of Might and... takes a bite!  (Iron Chef's Chairman comes to mind, with his green pepper!)  He becomes suddenly massively stronger and beats up on Goku horribly. 
* Turlus tells Goku to beg for forgiveness.  Goku continues to insist that his name is Goku (sigh), which evidently really disturbs Turlus, who blasts him, then goes off to bond with his Tree of Might.
* Piccolo and Yamcha psychically whisper to Goku to use the spirit bomb.  Krillin psychically says, "Don't forget, I'm here with you" and Chaozu says, "Me too!"  Whoop-tee-fuckin'-doo, right? 
* the Z-fighters, crippled and limping, go up to meet Turlus while Goku does his little beg-for-power thing from all living organisms so he can make a Genki Dama.  The Z-fighters attack Turlus hopelessly, getting pummelled, while vaguely epic orchestral music plays in the background, as if this is Neon Fucking Evangelion.  Deer all over the world give the last of their spirit energy to Goku and then die.  Goku forms the spirit bomb and throws it at Turlus.  It does nothing, and I mean nothing, and you just think... wow... all that nice orchestral music for nothing.  Evidently this is because the Earth had no more energy left to give, as Krillin tells us, and "we're dead for sure." 
* Turlus cackles maniacally.
* Water dries up, at last, and Earth suddenly looks like one of those pretty swirly red marbles.  All is quiet on the western front.  Goku's taking a nap/is unconscious.  The fruit starts making weird noises, as if calling him.  Good thing it sprouts more than one fruit, right?  Turlus is a damned moron for not picking all of them... ah well. 
* Goku starts absorbing the energy that's within the Tree of Might, according to Krillin, and then starts stumbling forward again, trying to follow the warm yellow light that beckons him so.  Sappy instrumental J-pop music that looks like it should play in the background of one of those Hong Kong soap operas set in some ancient dynasty plays as Goku confronts Turlus... for one last stand! 
* Goku suddenly blasts Turlus with the Tree of Might's sapped energy (anti-climactic, much?).  He implodes, along with the tree.
* All over desertified Earth, little white lights that look like Miyazaki's tree spirits without faces fall like snow, to more bad choral music.  It reawakens the dead animals and the dead Goku.  Oh, it's the essence of the fruit, or something.  I don't know.  The bad choral music is distracting me from thought.
* King Kai concludes that the Tree of Might is destroyed and explains, quickly, what just happened.  Christ, this is probably the worst narrative-explanatory device I have ever seen.  In no time, fish frolic in the sea, and Earth becomes blue again.  Things are "as they once were".  Status fuckin' quo, in other words.
* All the Z-fighters (minus Piccolo) have a picnic.  Yamcha tries to hit on the Haiya Dragon, who snaps at him, and the comment is made that the dragon is just like Piccolo (not fond of sexual deviants, in other words).  Piccolo, at his waterfall, makes a hmmph sound.  The credits roll. 

Conclusion: 
    Combat: 4 out of 10.
    Dialogue:  1 out of 10.
    Originality:  5 out of 10.
    Hidden sexual messages: 8 out of 10. 
    Overall: 4.5 out of 10
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-02-11 06:55 am (UTC)

Date: 2007-02-11 07:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] intertribal.livejournal.com
what, you don't want to read about Turlus the pedophile?

Date: 2007-02-11 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Well, considering there's already Seymour of FFX, whose voice sounds like a cross between a pedophile and Winnie the Pooh, I think I've encountered enough of Turlus's kind in media for one lifetime.

Date: 2007-02-19 01:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] royinpink.livejournal.com
ughhhh seymour. Fuckin' non-dying bastard. Anyway.

Yeah, I think I vaguely remember the dragon, the tree, the psychic connections, and naked Gohan (because I remember thinking about censorship or something).

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