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intertribalThere are many kinds of DBZ fans. Many of them are complete idiots themselves, so much so that I almost titled this post "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY FANDOM". But before I made an entire post damning the dumb bastards, I realized that there are others who are actually okay human beings who don't fail completely at life, and realized that maybe I should just make a little handy-dandy field guide to identifying and differentiating between DBZ fans. Here it is! Just think of it as one of those questionnaires you use to identify trees or rodent skulls. Or I've been taking Environmental Science too long.
1. Does the individual have many other fandoms besides DBZ with equal or more bearing on their lives, and do they only sometimes go into DBZ binges, like when they're near other DBZ fans, but otherwise don't give the fandom much thought or opinion?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 2.
b. No -> Go to Question 3.
2. Does the individual express their love for the franchise in terms of "oh, yeah, I used to watch that a long time ago...", laugh it off, or deny they were ever interested?
a. Yes -> Go to THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SPORADIC FAN.
3. Do they watch it only for explosions and power-ups, and care nothing for the characters or plot?
a. Yes -> Go to THE NASCAR FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 4.
4. Is the individual female?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 5.
b. No -> Go to Question 10.
5. Does the individual have a particular couple they collect artwork, screenshots, and fanfiction of (or possibly create these artifacts themselves?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 6.
b. No -> Go to Question 8.
6. Does the individual have overt Christian values (i.e., characters reading bibles and refusing to get abortions in fanfiction)?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 7.
7. Is this couple Bulma and Vegeta, Goku and Chi-Chi, Krillin and 18, (God help me) Goku and Vegeta, or some other canon or non-canon couple?
a. Bulma and Vegeta -> Go to THE B/V FAN.
b. Goku and Chi-Chi -> Go to THE G/CC FAN.
c. Krillin and 18 -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
d. Goku and Vegeta -> Go to THE YAOI FAN.
e. Other couple -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
8. Does the individual fantasize about a particular male character (*cough* Trunks *cough*) without an established love interest, or possibly even a particular male character with an established love interest - ignoring or killing off the love interest, that is, and replacing the love interest with herself?
a. Yes -> Go to THE OBSESSED FANGIRL.
b. No -> Go to Question 9.
9. Does the individual not care less about couples, but whole-heartedly support female characters like Android 18, especially when they beat up on macho characters like Vegeta?
a. Yes -> Go to THE FEMINIST FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 10.
10. Does the individual like all characters pretty much the same and good-naturedly enjoy the plot, laugh at the jokes, celebrate the victories and anxiously await the next saga?
a. Yes -> Go to THE PERFECT FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 11.
11. Does the individual consider themselves "gangsta"?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GANGSTA FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 12.
12. Is the individual an unabashed macho devotee of the Saiyan Bad Ass Prince Vegeta or a follower of the hero with a heart of gold Goku?
a. All Hail The Prince of all Saiyans! -> Go to THE VEGETA FAN.
b. What's for dinner? -> Go to Question 13.
c. Neither -> Go to Question 16.
13. Does the individual part of the Goku following because he's such a good guy, or because they're intrigued by the possibility of a darker side of Goku?
a. Goku has a dark side? -> Go to Question 14.
b. You never know when Kakarrot might come out -> Go to Question 15.
14. Does the individual equate ki with some kind of Jesus or God-given force that symbolizes the power of Christ within us all?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SIMPLE FAN.
15. Does the individual want Kakarrot to come out?
a. Fuck yeah -> Go to THE SATANIC FAN.
b. Hells no -> Go to THE GOKU FAN.
16. Does the individual worship at the altar of villains, especially villains like Cell or Broly, because they're that cool?
a. Yes -> Go to THE SATANIC FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 17.
17. Does the individual think Piccolo is damn cool?
a. He is pretty sweet -> Go to THE PICCOLO FAN.
b. He's the shi-et, biatch -> Go to THE GANGSTA FAN.
c. No -> Go to Question 18.
18. Does the individual kiss any other character's feet?
a. Yes -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
b. No, already -> Go to Question 19.
19. Does the individual know an insane amount of irrelevant trivia about DBZ?
a. Yes -> Go to THE COMIC BOOK GUY FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SIMPLE FAN.
THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN: Bashfully looks away, blushes, or changes the conversation when DBZ is mentioned, or pretends they didn't hear the question. Will never start a conversation about it. If they must, they will either take a scholarly analytical view and start lecturing like a professor about what DBZ means for pathetic middle-school-aged boys, or they'll just say they used to watch it, but don't anymore. Often condescending to all other fans, out of embarrassment. I used to be one of these, so I know how it is, but now that I'm not, I also know how hella annoying these guys are.
THE SPORADIC FAN: Not really a fan fan, but will sit down and watch it with friends and a beer, a joint, or if there's nothing else on. Not attached enough to the show to be embarrassed by it, but doesn't know anything about it really, and probably doesn't take it seriously. There are a lot of these in the world, a lot more than you'd think. Considering this show once had 61 million viewers while on Cartoon Network's great afterschool action program, Toonami. They're often nice and laidback, and usually a breath of fresh normality. Even if they're obsessed with something else that's even scarier, like Inuyasha, they will appear normal to other kinds of DBZ fans, and yet non-judgmental.
THE NASCAR FAN: Like the hicks that watch Nascar just to see crashes instead of watching for the winner of the race or to follow a particular driver, these fans could be sat down in front of a Monster Truck show, the Terminator or Mission Impossible movies, or a nice action-packed videogame and be equally happy as when they're watching an episode of DBZ. They couldn't care less about the plot or characters and are often very critical of long staring sequences or episodes where "nothing happens", otherwise known as "important plot development" episodes. They just want blood, impact craters, transformations, and kabooms. Will cheer equally no matter if it's Freeza, Goku, Vegeta, or Gohan getting pummelled, as long as it's somebody in need of a hospital. Often in need of professional help themselves.
THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN: Possibly the weirdest fan of them all and easily the most deluded, these individuals see DBZ as some kind of grand Christian allegory - like Christian Star Wars fanatics, they think ki represents Godly potential in all of us, and DBZ reflects the apocalyptic struggle between good and evil. Reinforced by good-and-evil dichotomy talk in the show, probably see Goku as Jesus, Cell as Lucifer, and Vegeta as the lost souls they need to convert, but seem to have missed the whole, uh, God being a green alien named Kami, and later Dende, thing. They also haven't realized that good-and-evil imagery spans the whole Earth, and is not restricted to their religion. Unfortunately these guys are vociferous. The fanfiction writers (usually girls) will pepper their stories with "God bless you", Christian song lyrics, and nice instances like the aforementioned notorious pro-life pitch - in this fanfic, Chi-Chi and Goku refuse to terminate her pregnancy even though it's dangerous for her and the baby, because it's "immoral". Wow, I wanted to kill myself. Although none is as bad as the fanfic where Bulma asks Vegeta for her bible. The boys just write long web entries on how DBZ reinforces their faith. I really don't know where these crazies came from, but they should really just get on a plane to South America, become missionaries, and be killed by the natives. The only people scarier than these people are the aggressive anti-DBZ good Christians. But that's another entry.
THE B/V FAN: These fans love, love, love the relationship between Bulma the beautiful scientist and Vegeta the snotty saiyan prince, and have interestingly enough invented a lot of weird stuff to supplement their love - wide-standing assumptions that Bulma and Vegeta constantly fuck and have this smoldering lust-love thing going on are particularly strange, if you actually think about it. This ship never ever gets criticized because there's so many B/V shippers out there, and they feel they have "coolness" on their side. However, they think nothing of ruthlessly attacking other ships - G/CC is the homebody loser ship, K/18 is just too ridiculous to even make fun of, blah blah. Of course, that's because B/V shippers are exactly like Bulma and Vegeta - they think they're better than everyone else for no other reason than that they stick their noses in the air. Can they actually win a fight, though? No. I think these people probably live very dull lives devoid of excitement, so they need to go after it in their fandoms. I find this pathetic, personally, but I hate B/V fans, but you'll soon see why...
THE G/CC FAN: Because I'm a G/CC! We G/CC shippers adore the relationship between Goku the lovable doofus and Chi-Chi the frying-pan-wielding housewife. I know there are a lot of slights against this ship, but trust me when I say they don't really have any merit. But that, too, is for another post. G/CC shippers are either the very idealistic good girls who see this ship as representing pure, true love, or they're the cynical girls who thought "Secretary" was better than "The Notebook" and think there's a lot of good, er, potential between the two. I'm in the latter category myself, and trust me when I say that sex scenes are always better when everyone else thinks you stay at home playing Scrabble every night. Of course, sometimes they do. That's because the G/CC ship is the normal ship. The couple is normal, with normal couple arguments and normal couple reconciliations, and the kids are normal, and everything is the way most good relationships are. Sometimes this means boredom. No brooding saiyans or sulking divas. Oh, well. But it can be fun to be a G/CC fan, I swear. No, the ship is not melodramatic or hot, but it's cute and stable and will last forever. There are so many other lovable ships out there that are reminescent of them. My most recent addition to the list comes from the Once Upon a Time in China series: Wong Fey Hung and Yoon Siu-Qun (Aunt 13).
THE MISFIT FAN: Ah, the losers of the fandom. They're this vague because, well, this is the odds and ends group. Here dwell those crazy kids that ship Krillin and 18, Tien and Lunch, Gohan and Videl (this one is growing, but it's not quite mainstream enough to have its own category, sorry), or the many non-canon couples like Pan and Trunks and Goten and Bra (both make me want to die, but... that's just me), and the crazy kids who think Yamcha is the best character of DBZ, or think DBZ should really pay more attention to Yajirobe's back story, or think Mr. Popo is a sexual deviant, etc. They're harmless, but they are crazy by virtue of being outliers that are so far from other fans. However, they should be credited for being brave enough to stick it out and not buckle to other fans. I generally don't mind these. They're like the raccoon that lives in your trash can and eats your garbage. Shoot it when it becomes rabid, but until then, what's the little fucker gonna do?
THE YAOI FAN: Sometimes you can be both this and a B/V or G/CC, but usually this is the only kind of fan against which G/CC and B/V will unite. Why? Well, because most yaoi (homosexual couplings, usually very explicit couplings at that) focuses on a "relationship" between Goku and Vegeta. Now I'm not homophobic. This has nothing to do with politics. But I hate this fan more than any other fan, even B/V, mainly because it interferes with my ship, which is the unforgivable offense when it comes to fandom shipping. Yaoi Fans are also incredibly aggressive, assertive, and brash. They usually completely decimate the ships that they destroy. They're also filled with ridiculousness never before heard of - hugely different plot arcs and timelines, male pregnancy, and of course the joys of inventing subtext and worse where there is none. Now I'll be the first to admit that Vegeta is probably sexually frustrated, and may, indeed, have some kind of reluctant sexual obsession with Goku, a la Truman with Rod in my story, THEIR NAME WAS LEGION. But it's not really reciprocated, sorry. It's Vegeta who gets all flustered about The Fusion Dance, right, not Goku - because all he cares about is how to best win the fight. Sorry, the G/CC shipper got out there. Back on topic - uh, yaoi is not my thing, and I always feel like these fans don't actually take the franchise seriously because they fuck it up so much. Seriously, if you want yaoi, there is so much yaoi out there that you don't need to sabotage everything that makes DBZ, well, DBZ.
THE OBSESSED FANGIRL: Usually, this means Trunks-obsessed. These are the same girls that are obsessed with Legolas, by the way, and watch Lord of the Rings only for Orlando Bloom's shiny golden locks. Trunks, you see, wears purple jackets, has somewhat normal-shaped purple hair, and is always in an angsty emo mood. I don't get it either. This type of fan can be the most, uh, frightening, just because they're so damn obsessed with their guy. You'll note there is no "obsessed fanboy" category, because obviously the female characters aren't important enough to be obsessed with. At least I hope so. Sort of like Nascar fans in their tiny scope of regard for DBZ - if it doesn't involve their obsession, it doesn't matter. These are annoying and horribly shallow, and barely count as fans at all because they're so single-minded, but not harmful, unless the object of their obsession is a male character who already has a female counterpart. Sadly for BV fans this is a more common problem for them, because Vegeta's just that popular, I guess. Then they become a problem that needs to be eradicated, preferably with toxic bugspray, like Raid or Bug-Be-Gone.
THE FEMINIST FAN: Very rare in DBZ, for obvious reasons. But there are a few out there who like to focus their attention on female characters who can fight, notably Android 18. These fans often hate Vegeta with a passion, and I sympathize with them there. Their feelings toward the other guys is usually ambivalent, and it varies for the other girls of the show. Chi-Chi can fight, but then again, she's just a housewife. Bulma can't fight and is whiny, but she's also intelligent. Ah, such are the issues that the Feminist Fan must deal with. DBZ really isn't as misogynistic as it first may seem, and there is definitely a place for the Feminist Fan (especially the one that respects all the women of the show for various reasons instead of trying to defend some and attack others), but I just imagine it's hard to stick it out as one of these with this kind of testosterone-oozing show.
THE PERFECT FAN: These are the fans that FUNimation and Akira Toriyama long for. They buy up the DVDs, load up on posters and t-shirts, and don't complain about anything. They like all the Z-fighters, appreciate their little quirks, and see no plotholes (or problem with spending that much money on merchandise, or being ridiculed by friends who see their bedroom). Crucially different from THE SIMPLE FAN because they do understand what's going on in the show on all the levels Toriyama intends. They just don't have any particular leanings, so they can't bitch about Vegeta never winning a fight or not enough shows of affection between couples or too many long pauses between fights. They just take it all in stride and totally buy the Toonami slogan of DBZ being "the greatest action cartoon ever made". Just like there are no flaws in DBZ for these fans, there's no flaw in these fans for DBZ. These aren't really annoying or harmful or anything. They're pretty much nothing, and stand for nothing except for the show's greatness, and don't add much to the fandom itself.
THE GANGSTA FAN: There's a lot more of these than I used to think. Apparently DBZ has a huge cult following among ghetto peeps. I don't really know why, seeing as how they're not at all ghetto in the show and fuck, the Super Saiyan form may as well be called Super Aryan. But for whatever reason, a lot of black guys really love this show, and there's apparently no shame attached to DBZ in their community, because in the white suburbs, there's a hell of a lot of stigma attached at this point. They make AMVs setting DBZ to Ludacris' "Move, Bitch", the Ying Yang Twins' "Shake It Like A Salt Shaker", and of course DMX's "Up In Here". Then they're assailed by snooty white kids who say DBZ doesn't go with rap, and to them I give the finger, because DBZ does go with rap. They have at least two things in common: they're addictive, and they're preposterous. Gangsta Fans tend to really like Piccolo, and everyone the world over thinks Piccolo should be black, so I guess the fandom is in consensus there. I actually really like these fans. They're devoted, and they're not ashamed of it, but they're very non-hostile.
THE VEGETA FAN: A huge, huge, huge category of fans. Perhaps even the most popular category. These guys think that Vegeta's just the hottest thing since toasted bread and are always complaining about him getting "gipped" by Akira Toriyama because he never wins a fight, and always plays second fiddle to Goku. Apparently they're unaware that Akira Toriyama was trying to make a point with this, but like Vegeta, his cultish devotees are very stubborn. They will forever insist that Vegeta is the better Saiyan, simply because he "doesn't take shit" and "isn't a goody-goody two shoes". The girls in this category dream about his smirk, the boys want to be him for Halloween, and both genders probably want to be fucked by him. These can overlap with B/V shippers, but they're different because they don't like to acknowledge that Vegeta might have a heart and might buy Bulma flowers for her birthday. Vegeta's too cool for that. Although they will use the fact that he's with Bulma as another reason for his coolness - i.e., he got the girl that all the guys in DBZ want, he's such a stud. Vegeta's incredible popularity was so strong that fanservice was paid to them - Vegeta's English dub got a deeper voice, and he got taller, and his outfit became less retarded. He still didn't win any battles. Personally I don't see that much difference between Vegeta and Mr. Sataan, and since the Saiyans are a warrior race, it seems obvious that Goku's the top Saiyan, but whatever. Vegeta Fans are not to be argued with. It's best they're just left alone. They'll generally stick to themselves and their bitter resentment unless bothered.
THE SIMPLE FAN: These are the young fans who don't really have a devoted obsession, although they'll generally, you know, root for Goku and root against whoever he's fighting. Generally these are still in middle school, because no matter how stupid someone is, they will develop their obsession if it's left to fester. These kids just grin sheepishly up at you and say that DBZ is cool, and they're too young to feel shame. Their fathers will buy them DBZ shirts because, well, it's probably better than cocaine, right? Right. These fans are really helpless to do anything, although you shouldn't taunt them, because they will grow up eventually.
THE SATANIC FAN: These are the psychopathic fans. They may sometimes root for villains, especially Cell and Broly, because they see these villains as cooler than any of the heroes, who are just "pathetic" in their eyes. They also root for Magneto, in case that helps, but it makes a little less sense in DBZ. I mean, the villains are really, really villainous, and not all that cool, and the heroes really aren't as annoying as the X-Men. But, to each his own. These guys also may think that Goku would make a great villain, and he should really just become Kakarrot forever and forget this whole human mumbo-jumbo. After all, if he turned to the dark side, he would make the ultimate villain - stronger than Vegeta, but with Vegeta's bad attitude? Perfect. These fans do not tolerate weakness, and thus don't tolerate Vegeta, whether it's emotional or physical. They also tend to be morbid individuals, and probably need professional help just like the NASCAR FANS do. Callous and cackling, these fans laugh with glee when the good guys get bludgeoned. They keep to themselves entirely, sort of like those scary hippie cults in California that would randomly go on killing sprees when things got too boring on the commune, so just leave them alone.
THE GOKU FAN: G/CC shippers are basically always also Goku Fans, and it tends to go the other way around too, because Goku Fans aren't quite as selfish as Vegeta Fans, as is appropriate to their idol, although they'll probably find G/CC shippers a little crazy after a bit. Of course, it's still a match made in fandom heaven - the female G/CC shipper and the male Goku fan? Bliss! Uh, anyway. These guys usually support Goku as status quo - the happily married father that has to sacrifice his life to save everyone else's frequently. However, they also recognize the angst in his character, which differentiates them from THE SIMPLE FAN, and realized when he turned Super Saiyan that a lot of things could have gone terribly wrong and he totally could have gone over to the dark side, and hey, it does suck being Earth's protector, having to die or be otherwise severely injured all the time. So, if they write fanfiction, they tend to write him with this edgy "dark side" that has to be conquered and dealt with. These are generally not as loud and self-promoting as THE VEGETA FAN, obviously, but still may engage in braggadacio from time to time, because they do have some measure of pride in their following. Obviously condescending towards Vegeta, but otherwise, very non-hostile, and agreeable. Really, people pick characters that they can relate to.
THE PICCOLO FAN: Different from THE GANGSTA FAN because these are pseudo-intellectual DBZ fans who think Piccolo is the most complicated, angst-ridden but mature character in the whole franchise, and should get a lot more credit than he gets. They do not think that Piccolo is ghetto-fabulous, because they're usually white suburban kids who are trying to validate their love of the show with intellectual mumbo jumbo. Piccolo is the brainiest, so they tend to go for him. Piccolo Fans will usually peter out, because Piccolo peters out, and they quickly become THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN.
THE COMIC BOOK GUY FAN: Not much to say about these fans, because they're pretty dull. They're basically like Wikipedia articles, and in fact they've probably memorized Wikipedia articles, in that they just spew numbers, factoids, and other irrelevant pieces of information that no other fan cares about unless they're trying to write a manifesto defending their favorite character. They don't generally have very strong inclinations toward or against any particular character, and are more interested in how characters progress, usually through power levels, through time. They differ from THE NASCAR FAN because they want more than explosions - they want to know how many explosions there were. Most importantly, the Comic Book Guy Fan wants to know. They're often very nerdy, but harmless, of course, and can be used for good or for evil.
Shit. I'm tired of typing.
1. Does the individual have many other fandoms besides DBZ with equal or more bearing on their lives, and do they only sometimes go into DBZ binges, like when they're near other DBZ fans, but otherwise don't give the fandom much thought or opinion?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 2.
b. No -> Go to Question 3.
2. Does the individual express their love for the franchise in terms of "oh, yeah, I used to watch that a long time ago...", laugh it off, or deny they were ever interested?
a. Yes -> Go to THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SPORADIC FAN.
3. Do they watch it only for explosions and power-ups, and care nothing for the characters or plot?
a. Yes -> Go to THE NASCAR FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 4.
4. Is the individual female?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 5.
b. No -> Go to Question 10.
5. Does the individual have a particular couple they collect artwork, screenshots, and fanfiction of (or possibly create these artifacts themselves?
a. Yes -> Go to Question 6.
b. No -> Go to Question 8.
6. Does the individual have overt Christian values (i.e., characters reading bibles and refusing to get abortions in fanfiction)?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 7.
7. Is this couple Bulma and Vegeta, Goku and Chi-Chi, Krillin and 18, (God help me) Goku and Vegeta, or some other canon or non-canon couple?
a. Bulma and Vegeta -> Go to THE B/V FAN.
b. Goku and Chi-Chi -> Go to THE G/CC FAN.
c. Krillin and 18 -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
d. Goku and Vegeta -> Go to THE YAOI FAN.
e. Other couple -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
8. Does the individual fantasize about a particular male character (*cough* Trunks *cough*) without an established love interest, or possibly even a particular male character with an established love interest - ignoring or killing off the love interest, that is, and replacing the love interest with herself?
a. Yes -> Go to THE OBSESSED FANGIRL.
b. No -> Go to Question 9.
9. Does the individual not care less about couples, but whole-heartedly support female characters like Android 18, especially when they beat up on macho characters like Vegeta?
a. Yes -> Go to THE FEMINIST FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 10.
10. Does the individual like all characters pretty much the same and good-naturedly enjoy the plot, laugh at the jokes, celebrate the victories and anxiously await the next saga?
a. Yes -> Go to THE PERFECT FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 11.
11. Does the individual consider themselves "gangsta"?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GANGSTA FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 12.
12. Is the individual an unabashed macho devotee of the Saiyan Bad Ass Prince Vegeta or a follower of the hero with a heart of gold Goku?
a. All Hail The Prince of all Saiyans! -> Go to THE VEGETA FAN.
b. What's for dinner? -> Go to Question 13.
c. Neither -> Go to Question 16.
13. Does the individual part of the Goku following because he's such a good guy, or because they're intrigued by the possibility of a darker side of Goku?
a. Goku has a dark side? -> Go to Question 14.
b. You never know when Kakarrot might come out -> Go to Question 15.
14. Does the individual equate ki with some kind of Jesus or God-given force that symbolizes the power of Christ within us all?
a. Yes -> Go to THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SIMPLE FAN.
15. Does the individual want Kakarrot to come out?
a. Fuck yeah -> Go to THE SATANIC FAN.
b. Hells no -> Go to THE GOKU FAN.
16. Does the individual worship at the altar of villains, especially villains like Cell or Broly, because they're that cool?
a. Yes -> Go to THE SATANIC FAN.
b. No -> Go to Question 17.
17. Does the individual think Piccolo is damn cool?
a. He is pretty sweet -> Go to THE PICCOLO FAN.
b. He's the shi-et, biatch -> Go to THE GANGSTA FAN.
c. No -> Go to Question 18.
18. Does the individual kiss any other character's feet?
a. Yes -> Go to THE MISFIT FAN.
b. No, already -> Go to Question 19.
19. Does the individual know an insane amount of irrelevant trivia about DBZ?
a. Yes -> Go to THE COMIC BOOK GUY FAN.
b. No -> Go to THE SIMPLE FAN.
THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN: Bashfully looks away, blushes, or changes the conversation when DBZ is mentioned, or pretends they didn't hear the question. Will never start a conversation about it. If they must, they will either take a scholarly analytical view and start lecturing like a professor about what DBZ means for pathetic middle-school-aged boys, or they'll just say they used to watch it, but don't anymore. Often condescending to all other fans, out of embarrassment. I used to be one of these, so I know how it is, but now that I'm not, I also know how hella annoying these guys are.
THE SPORADIC FAN: Not really a fan fan, but will sit down and watch it with friends and a beer, a joint, or if there's nothing else on. Not attached enough to the show to be embarrassed by it, but doesn't know anything about it really, and probably doesn't take it seriously. There are a lot of these in the world, a lot more than you'd think. Considering this show once had 61 million viewers while on Cartoon Network's great afterschool action program, Toonami. They're often nice and laidback, and usually a breath of fresh normality. Even if they're obsessed with something else that's even scarier, like Inuyasha, they will appear normal to other kinds of DBZ fans, and yet non-judgmental.
THE NASCAR FAN: Like the hicks that watch Nascar just to see crashes instead of watching for the winner of the race or to follow a particular driver, these fans could be sat down in front of a Monster Truck show, the Terminator or Mission Impossible movies, or a nice action-packed videogame and be equally happy as when they're watching an episode of DBZ. They couldn't care less about the plot or characters and are often very critical of long staring sequences or episodes where "nothing happens", otherwise known as "important plot development" episodes. They just want blood, impact craters, transformations, and kabooms. Will cheer equally no matter if it's Freeza, Goku, Vegeta, or Gohan getting pummelled, as long as it's somebody in need of a hospital. Often in need of professional help themselves.
THE GOOD CHRISTIAN FAN: Possibly the weirdest fan of them all and easily the most deluded, these individuals see DBZ as some kind of grand Christian allegory - like Christian Star Wars fanatics, they think ki represents Godly potential in all of us, and DBZ reflects the apocalyptic struggle between good and evil. Reinforced by good-and-evil dichotomy talk in the show, probably see Goku as Jesus, Cell as Lucifer, and Vegeta as the lost souls they need to convert, but seem to have missed the whole, uh, God being a green alien named Kami, and later Dende, thing. They also haven't realized that good-and-evil imagery spans the whole Earth, and is not restricted to their religion. Unfortunately these guys are vociferous. The fanfiction writers (usually girls) will pepper their stories with "God bless you", Christian song lyrics, and nice instances like the aforementioned notorious pro-life pitch - in this fanfic, Chi-Chi and Goku refuse to terminate her pregnancy even though it's dangerous for her and the baby, because it's "immoral". Wow, I wanted to kill myself. Although none is as bad as the fanfic where Bulma asks Vegeta for her bible. The boys just write long web entries on how DBZ reinforces their faith. I really don't know where these crazies came from, but they should really just get on a plane to South America, become missionaries, and be killed by the natives. The only people scarier than these people are the aggressive anti-DBZ good Christians. But that's another entry.
THE B/V FAN: These fans love, love, love the relationship between Bulma the beautiful scientist and Vegeta the snotty saiyan prince, and have interestingly enough invented a lot of weird stuff to supplement their love - wide-standing assumptions that Bulma and Vegeta constantly fuck and have this smoldering lust-love thing going on are particularly strange, if you actually think about it. This ship never ever gets criticized because there's so many B/V shippers out there, and they feel they have "coolness" on their side. However, they think nothing of ruthlessly attacking other ships - G/CC is the homebody loser ship, K/18 is just too ridiculous to even make fun of, blah blah. Of course, that's because B/V shippers are exactly like Bulma and Vegeta - they think they're better than everyone else for no other reason than that they stick their noses in the air. Can they actually win a fight, though? No. I think these people probably live very dull lives devoid of excitement, so they need to go after it in their fandoms. I find this pathetic, personally, but I hate B/V fans, but you'll soon see why...
THE G/CC FAN: Because I'm a G/CC! We G/CC shippers adore the relationship between Goku the lovable doofus and Chi-Chi the frying-pan-wielding housewife. I know there are a lot of slights against this ship, but trust me when I say they don't really have any merit. But that, too, is for another post. G/CC shippers are either the very idealistic good girls who see this ship as representing pure, true love, or they're the cynical girls who thought "Secretary" was better than "The Notebook" and think there's a lot of good, er, potential between the two. I'm in the latter category myself, and trust me when I say that sex scenes are always better when everyone else thinks you stay at home playing Scrabble every night. Of course, sometimes they do. That's because the G/CC ship is the normal ship. The couple is normal, with normal couple arguments and normal couple reconciliations, and the kids are normal, and everything is the way most good relationships are. Sometimes this means boredom. No brooding saiyans or sulking divas. Oh, well. But it can be fun to be a G/CC fan, I swear. No, the ship is not melodramatic or hot, but it's cute and stable and will last forever. There are so many other lovable ships out there that are reminescent of them. My most recent addition to the list comes from the Once Upon a Time in China series: Wong Fey Hung and Yoon Siu-Qun (Aunt 13).
This starcrossed but ridiculously shy pair are sort of arranged to be married early on, or something, just like Goku and Chi-Chi are, and finally meet up again to see if this marriage could still work after she goes to study in the West and he's become a kung fu master - scratch that, become the kung fu master - of China. While they're totally meant for each other and Wong Fey Hung (a.k.a. Jet Li) always drops everything to protect Aunt 13, she can't get him to really admit this or get too close to her (because he's too embarrassed, sigh...) until the third movie, when suddenly they're engaged and he has to tell his father, who thinks of Aunt 13 as a family relation. After much angst regarding his embarrassment and her dashing but evil Russian "friend", he finally picks her up and twirls her around in the family courtyard in front of all his father's lionmaking disciples. It's great. I knew they were G/CC, however, when she tries to teach him to say "I love you" in English without really telling him what the phrase means, and he thinks that he's supposed to be saying "I love food". Then of course this gets mistranslated again as "I laugh at you" and "I want food". But anyway she goes around saying "I love you!" and he replies with "I love food!" My GOD, the G/CC-ness.
*on a side note: Once Upon a Time in China III could really be recast with DBZ characters: Goku as the can't-resist-a-fight but always merciful Wong Fey Hung, Chi-Chi as the airheaded but feisty Aunt 13, Krillin as the incompetent and quick-to-attack-much-stronger-enemies-and-get-his-ass-kicked Foon, Grandpa Goten as the lovable doofus but ultimately competent Wong Kei-Ying, Piccolo as the former-assassin-turned-loyal-ally Clubfoot, and either Emperor Pilaf or Freeza as the constantly laughing, fake-giving-up ridiculous enemy Chiu. Just wanted to share.
Other G/CC couples out there include Aladdin and Jasmine, Joey and Teresa Gazelle of the underseen Running Scared, Everett and Penny McGill of O Brother Where Art Thou, and Kyun-Woo and The Girl of My Sassy Girl. Oooh, and let's not forget Aragorn and Arwen!*on a side note: Once Upon a Time in China III could really be recast with DBZ characters: Goku as the can't-resist-a-fight but always merciful Wong Fey Hung, Chi-Chi as the airheaded but feisty Aunt 13, Krillin as the incompetent and quick-to-attack-much-stronger-enemies-and-get-his-ass-kicked Foon, Grandpa Goten as the lovable doofus but ultimately competent Wong Kei-Ying, Piccolo as the former-assassin-turned-loyal-ally Clubfoot, and either Emperor Pilaf or Freeza as the constantly laughing, fake-giving-up ridiculous enemy Chiu. Just wanted to share.
THE MISFIT FAN: Ah, the losers of the fandom. They're this vague because, well, this is the odds and ends group. Here dwell those crazy kids that ship Krillin and 18, Tien and Lunch, Gohan and Videl (this one is growing, but it's not quite mainstream enough to have its own category, sorry), or the many non-canon couples like Pan and Trunks and Goten and Bra (both make me want to die, but... that's just me), and the crazy kids who think Yamcha is the best character of DBZ, or think DBZ should really pay more attention to Yajirobe's back story, or think Mr. Popo is a sexual deviant, etc. They're harmless, but they are crazy by virtue of being outliers that are so far from other fans. However, they should be credited for being brave enough to stick it out and not buckle to other fans. I generally don't mind these. They're like the raccoon that lives in your trash can and eats your garbage. Shoot it when it becomes rabid, but until then, what's the little fucker gonna do?
THE YAOI FAN: Sometimes you can be both this and a B/V or G/CC, but usually this is the only kind of fan against which G/CC and B/V will unite. Why? Well, because most yaoi (homosexual couplings, usually very explicit couplings at that) focuses on a "relationship" between Goku and Vegeta. Now I'm not homophobic. This has nothing to do with politics. But I hate this fan more than any other fan, even B/V, mainly because it interferes with my ship, which is the unforgivable offense when it comes to fandom shipping. Yaoi Fans are also incredibly aggressive, assertive, and brash. They usually completely decimate the ships that they destroy. They're also filled with ridiculousness never before heard of - hugely different plot arcs and timelines, male pregnancy, and of course the joys of inventing subtext and worse where there is none. Now I'll be the first to admit that Vegeta is probably sexually frustrated, and may, indeed, have some kind of reluctant sexual obsession with Goku, a la Truman with Rod in my story, THEIR NAME WAS LEGION. But it's not really reciprocated, sorry. It's Vegeta who gets all flustered about The Fusion Dance, right, not Goku - because all he cares about is how to best win the fight. Sorry, the G/CC shipper got out there. Back on topic - uh, yaoi is not my thing, and I always feel like these fans don't actually take the franchise seriously because they fuck it up so much. Seriously, if you want yaoi, there is so much yaoi out there that you don't need to sabotage everything that makes DBZ, well, DBZ.
THE OBSESSED FANGIRL: Usually, this means Trunks-obsessed. These are the same girls that are obsessed with Legolas, by the way, and watch Lord of the Rings only for Orlando Bloom's shiny golden locks. Trunks, you see, wears purple jackets, has somewhat normal-shaped purple hair, and is always in an angsty emo mood. I don't get it either. This type of fan can be the most, uh, frightening, just because they're so damn obsessed with their guy. You'll note there is no "obsessed fanboy" category, because obviously the female characters aren't important enough to be obsessed with. At least I hope so. Sort of like Nascar fans in their tiny scope of regard for DBZ - if it doesn't involve their obsession, it doesn't matter. These are annoying and horribly shallow, and barely count as fans at all because they're so single-minded, but not harmful, unless the object of their obsession is a male character who already has a female counterpart. Sadly for BV fans this is a more common problem for them, because Vegeta's just that popular, I guess. Then they become a problem that needs to be eradicated, preferably with toxic bugspray, like Raid or Bug-Be-Gone.
THE FEMINIST FAN: Very rare in DBZ, for obvious reasons. But there are a few out there who like to focus their attention on female characters who can fight, notably Android 18. These fans often hate Vegeta with a passion, and I sympathize with them there. Their feelings toward the other guys is usually ambivalent, and it varies for the other girls of the show. Chi-Chi can fight, but then again, she's just a housewife. Bulma can't fight and is whiny, but she's also intelligent. Ah, such are the issues that the Feminist Fan must deal with. DBZ really isn't as misogynistic as it first may seem, and there is definitely a place for the Feminist Fan (especially the one that respects all the women of the show for various reasons instead of trying to defend some and attack others), but I just imagine it's hard to stick it out as one of these with this kind of testosterone-oozing show.
THE PERFECT FAN: These are the fans that FUNimation and Akira Toriyama long for. They buy up the DVDs, load up on posters and t-shirts, and don't complain about anything. They like all the Z-fighters, appreciate their little quirks, and see no plotholes (or problem with spending that much money on merchandise, or being ridiculed by friends who see their bedroom). Crucially different from THE SIMPLE FAN because they do understand what's going on in the show on all the levels Toriyama intends. They just don't have any particular leanings, so they can't bitch about Vegeta never winning a fight or not enough shows of affection between couples or too many long pauses between fights. They just take it all in stride and totally buy the Toonami slogan of DBZ being "the greatest action cartoon ever made". Just like there are no flaws in DBZ for these fans, there's no flaw in these fans for DBZ. These aren't really annoying or harmful or anything. They're pretty much nothing, and stand for nothing except for the show's greatness, and don't add much to the fandom itself.
THE GANGSTA FAN: There's a lot more of these than I used to think. Apparently DBZ has a huge cult following among ghetto peeps. I don't really know why, seeing as how they're not at all ghetto in the show and fuck, the Super Saiyan form may as well be called Super Aryan. But for whatever reason, a lot of black guys really love this show, and there's apparently no shame attached to DBZ in their community, because in the white suburbs, there's a hell of a lot of stigma attached at this point. They make AMVs setting DBZ to Ludacris' "Move, Bitch", the Ying Yang Twins' "Shake It Like A Salt Shaker", and of course DMX's "Up In Here". Then they're assailed by snooty white kids who say DBZ doesn't go with rap, and to them I give the finger, because DBZ does go with rap. They have at least two things in common: they're addictive, and they're preposterous. Gangsta Fans tend to really like Piccolo, and everyone the world over thinks Piccolo should be black, so I guess the fandom is in consensus there. I actually really like these fans. They're devoted, and they're not ashamed of it, but they're very non-hostile.
THE VEGETA FAN: A huge, huge, huge category of fans. Perhaps even the most popular category. These guys think that Vegeta's just the hottest thing since toasted bread and are always complaining about him getting "gipped" by Akira Toriyama because he never wins a fight, and always plays second fiddle to Goku. Apparently they're unaware that Akira Toriyama was trying to make a point with this, but like Vegeta, his cultish devotees are very stubborn. They will forever insist that Vegeta is the better Saiyan, simply because he "doesn't take shit" and "isn't a goody-goody two shoes". The girls in this category dream about his smirk, the boys want to be him for Halloween, and both genders probably want to be fucked by him. These can overlap with B/V shippers, but they're different because they don't like to acknowledge that Vegeta might have a heart and might buy Bulma flowers for her birthday. Vegeta's too cool for that. Although they will use the fact that he's with Bulma as another reason for his coolness - i.e., he got the girl that all the guys in DBZ want, he's such a stud. Vegeta's incredible popularity was so strong that fanservice was paid to them - Vegeta's English dub got a deeper voice, and he got taller, and his outfit became less retarded. He still didn't win any battles. Personally I don't see that much difference between Vegeta and Mr. Sataan, and since the Saiyans are a warrior race, it seems obvious that Goku's the top Saiyan, but whatever. Vegeta Fans are not to be argued with. It's best they're just left alone. They'll generally stick to themselves and their bitter resentment unless bothered.
THE SIMPLE FAN: These are the young fans who don't really have a devoted obsession, although they'll generally, you know, root for Goku and root against whoever he's fighting. Generally these are still in middle school, because no matter how stupid someone is, they will develop their obsession if it's left to fester. These kids just grin sheepishly up at you and say that DBZ is cool, and they're too young to feel shame. Their fathers will buy them DBZ shirts because, well, it's probably better than cocaine, right? Right. These fans are really helpless to do anything, although you shouldn't taunt them, because they will grow up eventually.
THE SATANIC FAN: These are the psychopathic fans. They may sometimes root for villains, especially Cell and Broly, because they see these villains as cooler than any of the heroes, who are just "pathetic" in their eyes. They also root for Magneto, in case that helps, but it makes a little less sense in DBZ. I mean, the villains are really, really villainous, and not all that cool, and the heroes really aren't as annoying as the X-Men. But, to each his own. These guys also may think that Goku would make a great villain, and he should really just become Kakarrot forever and forget this whole human mumbo-jumbo. After all, if he turned to the dark side, he would make the ultimate villain - stronger than Vegeta, but with Vegeta's bad attitude? Perfect. These fans do not tolerate weakness, and thus don't tolerate Vegeta, whether it's emotional or physical. They also tend to be morbid individuals, and probably need professional help just like the NASCAR FANS do. Callous and cackling, these fans laugh with glee when the good guys get bludgeoned. They keep to themselves entirely, sort of like those scary hippie cults in California that would randomly go on killing sprees when things got too boring on the commune, so just leave them alone.
THE GOKU FAN: G/CC shippers are basically always also Goku Fans, and it tends to go the other way around too, because Goku Fans aren't quite as selfish as Vegeta Fans, as is appropriate to their idol, although they'll probably find G/CC shippers a little crazy after a bit. Of course, it's still a match made in fandom heaven - the female G/CC shipper and the male Goku fan? Bliss! Uh, anyway. These guys usually support Goku as status quo - the happily married father that has to sacrifice his life to save everyone else's frequently. However, they also recognize the angst in his character, which differentiates them from THE SIMPLE FAN, and realized when he turned Super Saiyan that a lot of things could have gone terribly wrong and he totally could have gone over to the dark side, and hey, it does suck being Earth's protector, having to die or be otherwise severely injured all the time. So, if they write fanfiction, they tend to write him with this edgy "dark side" that has to be conquered and dealt with. These are generally not as loud and self-promoting as THE VEGETA FAN, obviously, but still may engage in braggadacio from time to time, because they do have some measure of pride in their following. Obviously condescending towards Vegeta, but otherwise, very non-hostile, and agreeable. Really, people pick characters that they can relate to.
THE PICCOLO FAN: Different from THE GANGSTA FAN because these are pseudo-intellectual DBZ fans who think Piccolo is the most complicated, angst-ridden but mature character in the whole franchise, and should get a lot more credit than he gets. They do not think that Piccolo is ghetto-fabulous, because they're usually white suburban kids who are trying to validate their love of the show with intellectual mumbo jumbo. Piccolo is the brainiest, so they tend to go for him. Piccolo Fans will usually peter out, because Piccolo peters out, and they quickly become THE EMBARRASSED FORMER FAN.
THE COMIC BOOK GUY FAN: Not much to say about these fans, because they're pretty dull. They're basically like Wikipedia articles, and in fact they've probably memorized Wikipedia articles, in that they just spew numbers, factoids, and other irrelevant pieces of information that no other fan cares about unless they're trying to write a manifesto defending their favorite character. They don't generally have very strong inclinations toward or against any particular character, and are more interested in how characters progress, usually through power levels, through time. They differ from THE NASCAR FAN because they want more than explosions - they want to know how many explosions there were. Most importantly, the Comic Book Guy Fan wants to know. They're often very nerdy, but harmless, of course, and can be used for good or for evil.
Shit. I'm tired of typing.
