A lot of writers have mental problems and some of them commit suicide. That's a fact of history. (Also, when I was reading The Bell Jar it was scary to me how much I could relate to Plath's voice and her experience in NYC) I very badly don't want to commit suicide, so I'm not exactly threatening it. But I know that I am mentally off-kilter and I have a history of depression and I don't think that blindly pursuing a calling that involves being alone and rejected much of the time would be good for my mental health. Which is why I "don't have all I need." Which is why it frustrates me when "the only dream I ever have" involves writing novels.