a sense of joy and then a panic

I do know. Maybe it's helped by the fact that my parents don't really have a plan for me anymore. Like, I still have the 'internalized expectations' but no real idea of what doing well is, except doing whatever I do perfectly. They don't even understand what I'm doing anymore, are all like, "Maybe she'll be a spy!" so...yeah. So there are some times I take a step back and realize that when it comes down to it, this is my life, and I can do whatever I want with it. No one will even care that much. I'm the only one whose good opinion I really stand to lose. But yeah, I can see where we're talking about different kinds of losses of stability. I'm not sure I've ever felt the other kind, maybe 'cause I never had it in the first place. Family stability for me just means they're taking care of my life for me, I'm not in control of it.