intertribal | used up all of my friends, but who needs them?

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used up all of my friends, but who needs them?

Me and Piper? Same person. Believe me, I often imagine myself wielding an ax and wearing way too much leather. And we all know me and motorcycles. I told my mother I wanted to ride a motorcycle before I die and she was like, "Grrr." I think that's actually the sound she made. I'm pretty sure that she has been on one, but my mother's one of those "do as I say, not as I do" type of parents - that's what you get for having been a hippie, mom.

Piper: Leave it to me to fall for a dead guy.
Phoebe: At least he wasn't a warlock.

Of course she does end up marrying a whitelighter.

Also, thank God for an A in Topics in Economic History. I don't want to never be able to think about Malthusian pressure again, since I use it to argue everything these days. And thank God for my disaster shows, because I can't watch SportsCenter fawn over Texas.

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Haha, in elementary school I was so obsessed with getting things just right that I did them slowly and meticulously and always had to stay inside during recess to finish them with the creepy/dorky kid whose mother controlled his life and didn't know how to express his budding sexuality in a socially appropriate way.

Sometimes I still base my confidence too much on my achievement in terms of grades (oh, authority), and I need to remind myself that my intellectual worth is not actually representable by a GPA. Like, as soon as I am confident that I am smart no matter if I fuck up sometimes or don't always try my hardest or (gasp!) am wrong, then I can take pride in my work and (ironically) get good grades. But if I'm not confident in my own competence, I become convinced of the impossibility of good grades and drown in my own neurotic and endless self-correction, procrastinating judgment as long as possible, then fail to produce work, and consequently receive poor grades. Which is why my grades span the entire range from A to F, instead of reflecting a consistent output as a C student or a B student, or whatever. Which probably gives anyone viewing my transcript more questions as to my commitment to academics than my potential.

However, sometimes I really do 'get somewhere' by constantly striving to correct my ideas. I just fail to recognize this, or to be okay with putting them prematurely down on paper (or sometimes I get neurotic about the wrong things). It's how I grew to understand semiotics, for instance, and now my understanding is probably the best of any of steve's current students who aren't thesising on it (not to be arrogant or anything :P). Which is saying a lot. But I kept it a secret from Steve that whole time, lol. Which also says something about the relation of academics and learning...

like i told steve:
"You have to realize, though (ahaha, I just stole that phrase from you), that part of the reason I've thought as much as I have about this (I'm not sure how much that is, I do not time my thoughts, um...) is really that I have a drive to get it right, and that I am not okay with saying "Oh, well, it's okay that I don't understand, because it's really complex and it takes people a long time and even established scholars make mistakes about this stuff." Maybe that's good reason not to be embarrassed about getting it wrong, and I think I've still got a long way to go with regard to that, but I need to have this down, solid, much more so than I do now. I need it to come to me as easily as walking, because in the end, I need to go places with it. Y'know? i refuse to still be struggling with this stuff in ten years. i thought i would have more down by now than i do. i'm behind, but then, I never obey my own deadlines..."

*actually that was only first grade. and i think we had grades, though maybe not for individual assignments, or all of 1-5 grades. i don't really think i changed throughout that, though.

Just so you know I read this, but I'm not sure what to give as a response other than "different strokes for different folks."

lol. i was really braindead when i wrote it. you ever get that feeling where everything is so unreal, even your own thoughts can't find any relevance? like that.

anyway, i think it's important.

that's like me throughout winter break, so don't worry.

well, I think it's important too, insofar as learning is important and it says something about the way we drive ourselves to do things.

so...how do you drive yourself to do things?

What kind of things? It depends like whoa.

haha, i'm glad you understand. i had an unfinished comment saying "i'm glad you understand." and then i came back to this page to reply again and write the comment below....aaa, disorganization.

and by below, i mean above. and...i'm just gonna stop now.

actually...i could probably boost my grades all-around by just participating more in class, since it's 'impossible to get an A without participation' and all. haha. i hate that requirement.

Oh, gross. Did I ever tell you about how my advisor told me that to get an A I would have to talk 6 times in each seminar class for the rest of the semester, to make up for my lack of participation? Yikes. I did it though.

Ironically, I picked her as my advisor after this happened. I think she's just really anal.

that is really bizarre. because participation is quantifiable? yeesh.

lol, yeah, she sounds anal. your regular advisor, or thesis advisor?

major adviser. AC is my thesis adviser.

aw, that icon is adorable.

thanks!

"At first it's ooh and ahh, then it's running and screaming."
- The Lost World

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used up all of my friends, but who needs them?

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