Haha, in elementary school I was so obsessed with getting things just right that I did them slowly and meticulously and always had to stay inside during recess to finish them with the creepy/dorky kid whose mother controlled his life and didn't know how to express his budding sexuality in a socially appropriate way.
Sometimes I still base my confidence too much on my achievement in terms of grades (oh, authority), and I need to remind myself that my intellectual worth is not actually representable by a GPA. Like, as soon as I am confident that I am smart no matter if I fuck up sometimes or don't always try my hardest or (gasp!) am wrong, then I can take pride in my work and (ironically) get good grades. But if I'm not confident in my own competence, I become convinced of the impossibility of good grades and drown in my own neurotic and endless self-correction, procrastinating judgment as long as possible, then fail to produce work, and consequently receive poor grades. Which is why my grades span the entire range from A to F, instead of reflecting a consistent output as a C student or a B student, or whatever. Which probably gives anyone viewing my transcript more questions as to my commitment to academics than my potential.
However, sometimes I really do 'get somewhere' by constantly striving to correct my ideas. I just fail to recognize this, or to be okay with putting them prematurely down on paper (or sometimes I get neurotic about the wrong things). It's how I grew to understand semiotics, for instance, and now my understanding is probably the best of any of steve's current students who aren't thesising on it (not to be arrogant or anything :P). Which is saying a lot. But I kept it a secret from Steve that whole time, lol. Which also says something about the relation of academics and learning...
like i told steve: "You have to realize, though (ahaha, I just stole that phrase from you), that part of the reason I've thought as much as I have about this (I'm not sure how much that is, I do not time my thoughts, um...) is really that I have a drive to get it right, and that I am not okay with saying "Oh, well, it's okay that I don't understand, because it's really complex and it takes people a long time and even established scholars make mistakes about this stuff." Maybe that's good reason not to be embarrassed about getting it wrong, and I think I've still got a long way to go with regard to that, but I need to have this down, solid, much more so than I do now. I need it to come to me as easily as walking, because in the end, I need to go places with it. Y'know? i refuse to still be struggling with this stuff in ten years. i thought i would have more down by now than i do. i'm behind, but then, I never obey my own deadlines..."
sorry long comment
Sometimes I still base my confidence too much on my achievement in terms of grades (oh, authority), and I need to remind myself that my intellectual worth is not actually representable by a GPA. Like, as soon as I am confident that I am smart no matter if I fuck up sometimes or don't always try my hardest or (gasp!) am wrong, then I can take pride in my work and (ironically) get good grades. But if I'm not confident in my own competence, I become convinced of the impossibility of good grades and drown in my own neurotic and endless self-correction, procrastinating judgment as long as possible, then fail to produce work, and consequently receive poor grades. Which is why my grades span the entire range from A to F, instead of reflecting a consistent output as a C student or a B student, or whatever. Which probably gives anyone viewing my transcript more questions as to my commitment to academics than my potential.
However, sometimes I really do 'get somewhere' by constantly striving to correct my ideas. I just fail to recognize this, or to be okay with putting them prematurely down on paper (or sometimes I get neurotic about the wrong things). It's how I grew to understand semiotics, for instance, and now my understanding is probably the best of any of steve's current students who aren't thesising on it (not to be arrogant or anything :P). Which is saying a lot. But I kept it a secret from Steve that whole time, lol. Which also says something about the relation of academics and learning...
like i told steve:
"You have to realize, though (ahaha, I just stole that phrase from you), that part of the reason I've thought as much as I have about this (I'm not sure how much that is, I do not time my thoughts, um...) is really that I have a drive to get it right, and that I am not okay with saying "Oh, well, it's okay that I don't understand, because it's really complex and it takes people a long time and even established scholars make mistakes about this stuff." Maybe that's good reason not to be embarrassed about getting it wrong, and I think I've still got a long way to go with regard to that, but I need to have this down, solid, much more so than I do now. I need it to come to me as easily as walking, because in the end, I need to go places with it. Y'know? i refuse to still be struggling with this stuff in ten years. i thought i would have more down by now than i do. i'm behind, but then, I never obey my own deadlines..."