a sense of joy and then a panic

I think avoiding topics is just a nice way of lying, and all the worse for it. Like, if we ignore that I don't care, nobody has to feel bad about it, as if anyone should be feeling bad about what I care about or don't in the first place, which they shouldn't (unless i were saying i didn't care about you, or your happiness, which is a different issue). I think silence says, emphatically, I don't give a fuck (or at least something bad about which I may have multiple paranoid delusions), and I get really freaked out when people are silent. So, this may be an instance of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or whatever, ironically. I realize that the whole 'silence' thing is partly me just being paranoid, and people are totally capable of caring while being silent, even if I think it means they're secretly thinking I'm an idiot. I do think it's a bit rude to be like, "I don't give a fuck," because that would say that I don't care about what interests you in the sense that it interests you, not only that i don't share the same appreciation of the topic. I was trying not to do that, nor "tell you in creative ways that I don't care," and clearly failed. sigh

thanks for the luck