a sense of joy and then a panic

also, in all honesty, i feel like i end up defending positions i don't wholely believe as well. sometimes i just want to go further with it, to see where that position would go, if it's wrong, why it's wrong. other times, i dunno. i'm slowly getting better at putting this sort of feeling explicitly as a question, instead of the thought that just occurred to me as if i fully believe it. obviously not better enough. i mean, i don't think you should take everything i say seriously in that way...it's a serious question, usually, but not a always a firm belief...or a firm belief misapplied to the situation at hand. which i think a lot of our recent arguing was, on my part, and why i said that some things i said were wrong.