I don't think it's something that I "have" though. It's something that's caused by how I react to certain circumstances...and like I was saying, college is a different thing in my mind than high school was. Not only is there more work such that I get bogged down by procrastination much more easily, but before, I had no conception of failing. I was always an A student. I was always in my parents' house. I could relate to the people I was around. Reed, by contrast, is a profoundly isolating experience, at least for me. I don't know why, but lately I've begun to suspect it's a class-cultural thing rather than a geographical thing that's separating me from so many people here, not to mention the intimidation of the prestige of the place itself, of the notion of professors...I am much more frightened by everything around me than I was in high school. And then, no grade inflation. And then, living away from home. And then, realizing that if I don't succeed here I can't do the only things I might ever want to do. And then, getting through my emotional shit of last year and growing as a person (which I think I'm mostly through with...though Santiago emailed me today, ha ha). And then, not having any expectation or idea of what lies ahead, realizing that my parents' knowledge of how this whole thing works stopped at getting accepted to colleges, and until now, school was just what I did, what I was good at doing, but now that's been taken away from me and so I have to come to terms with really trying, getting through all the things I'm most afraid of in order to make it here. Honestly, I don't even know what will happen if/when I graduate, I really don't. I have a better idea of what would happen if I dropped out than I do of that. Point is, there is a reason (or rather, reasons) me acting like this coincides with my time at Reed, I think.
I'm not going to take medication. That's all the counselor ever told me..."learn how to breathe," "take these pills," "think happy thoughts." God, I hate her. Well, it would probably work better if I believed in it, I'm sure. I'm sure it can work, I'm just...not good at therapy. Because it in and of itself is the sort of situation I'm afraid of, it causes me to react in much the same way as I do to dealing with schoolwork. If I have problems, everyone hates me. That's what my mother believes about herself and everyone else, and I've inherited that belief, but it's by no means that simple. Anyway. No, I have a pediatrician and a gynecologist, and doctors make me cry because I get embarrassed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-11-21 01:47 pm (UTC)I'm not going to take medication. That's all the counselor ever told me..."learn how to breathe," "take these pills," "think happy thoughts." God, I hate her. Well, it would probably work better if I believed in it, I'm sure. I'm sure it can work, I'm just...not good at therapy. Because it in and of itself is the sort of situation I'm afraid of, it causes me to react in much the same way as I do to dealing with schoolwork. If I have problems, everyone hates me. That's what my mother believes about herself and everyone else, and I've inherited that belief, but it's by no means that simple. Anyway. No, I have a pediatrician and a gynecologist, and doctors make me cry because I get embarrassed.